I Run This Body

This post isn't easy to write but I want to get it out. For the past six months I have really ate my emotions. I, some times don't understand my emotions and that creates a vicious cycle, which leads to more extremely poor eating. 

I've had poor eating habits since I could remember. I was very active as a teen and didn't gain any weight. My weight issues started when I hit my 20's. Because of my poor eating habits, the weight finally caught up to me. 

Well these past 6 months or so have been really hard emotionally and I've hit rock bottom, in all aspects of life. 

I battle depression on top of all this. Some days I wonder if I'm bipolar because of my actions. It's really hard to talk about but I always feel better writing about it. I'm really embarrassed and full of shame because of my actions, which makes my depression even worse. 

I started running 3 years ago to have a way to fight my depression and in the beginning it worked wonderfully. I soon let the negative comments and negative people around me kill my joy. I was told I was "too skinny" along with many other hurtful comments so I put back on some weight. Any weight on my small frame body was very noticeable, to me, and ever since then I have hated my body and discredited myself for all my accomplishments. Well, in these last few months, I've gained even more weight. I keep trying to start eating better to lose the weight but excuses overrule me. I have so much on my plate that I've realized I'm putting my health on the back burner. 

I always love the time around my birthday. It allows me to reflect on my life and see where I can do better. Three years ago I made it a goal to run one marathon and to also lose all my extra weight. After achieving both those things, I lost focus. I lost my "why." But I'm there at rock bottom again and ready to get my diet back under control. 

I still get so many compliments on my appearance and honestly it kills me. I can see myself past the clothes I put on and know what's there. Clothes can cover up a lot. I'm disgusted with myself. It's hard to write this because I'm "slim" and "there are people worse off than me." Well I for one am tired of thinking that way. I am the one who lives in my body and if I'm not comfortable in it, why does any other opinion matter. I'm tired of feeling like I do and ready to do what I have to to get MY healthy comfortable body back. But this time I'm not listening to anyone and their opinions. 

Quick Update

This week was a long one for me. My husband worked long hours which left me home without mch of a break. I still ran Tuesday-Thursday and did my morning yoga. Some times it's hard to go slow and rebuild but I took time off so it's a must right now. I definitely felt better than the week before. I love having a scary goal to work towards. Glad I'm over marathons really. 

Speaking of marathons, yesterday was the St George Marathon. It was my first marathon I ever ran. I was signed up to run it but backed out due to burn out. I prepared myself and was waiting for the guilt and negative self talk to play in but honestly I felt great. I have new and more exciting things to look forward to and that helped me stay positive this weekend. 

I had a great run yesterday. I wanted 12 miles but ran out of water so I stopped at 11.5. I thought I had only climbed 800-900ft but ended up with 1550!! I felt so strong and like I was flying!! It was the best feeling ever! I love my weekend trail runs!

This week is my birthday week. The week I decided to change my life three short years ago. I have accomplished so much in these three years and so proud of myself. I have gotten down on myself a lot because I haven't qualified for Boston yet, but I'm slowly letting myself be ok with that. I am in a good place right now and so grateful for that. 

Well kind of short on words tonight. I'll post a longer one next week in celebration for my birthday!