Training For Life, Not A Race

I love running. Running saved my life 2.5 years ago. It helped me escape from a horrible, dark depression. 

With running, I lost close to 50lbs and was the happiest I'd been in years. 

But after running my first marathon, I started to struggle. I so badly wanted to get a Boston qualifying time, but always came up short. My training started slacking, I just couldn't get out the door consistently anymore. I dreaded training. I would keep consistent and do really amazing workouts for about a month and then fall off and do nothing for a month. It was a vicious cycle. I always felt burntout, I had made running a "must do" and a "chore" but who likes chores?? 

So why did I still run? Well, after a very amazing 2 weeks of running my long, weekend runs on the trails, I realized something. I ran out of fear. Fear that if I didn't continue running, I'd gain weight back and be in a horrible depression again. Running was what helped me lose weight, so if I stopped, the weight would come back on. Here's something to know about me, before this weight loss journey and before having kids, I'd always been in fantastic shape. I never had to lose weight, so this is all new to me. I thought about this specifically on this past weekend's 13.5 mile trail run, I climbed over 2,000ft worth of hills. Most my runs are around 200-300ft elevation, so 2,000ft was a killer workout. I had the realization though, I didn't just have to run to stay fit. During the climbing sections of this 13.5 mile run, I obviously walked. My legs still burning, still getting stronger. For me, I had to run a certain average pace to feel like I was getting in a good workout. Challenging myself on these hills and tough terrain was extremely hard. It felt great. Seeing that my average pace was 13 minute miles really didn't bother me. I had just climbed some gnarly hills and no 8 minute mile run would make me feel as good as climbing those hills did. So, I made the decision to switch up training.

I realized that in my past trainings, I tried training like someone else who had recently qualified...well that training didn't work for me. This happened several times. I'd start out training how I thought I should, but always took to other's advice on how I should train. One thing I dislike about social media, Facebook in general, is any time you do something "different" in training, people start voicing their opinions, usually in a negative way, and then doubt starts to enter in. At least this is what's happened to me. 

With what I realized recently I've FINALLY decided to just train the way I want. Train according to my passions and my thinking. So far, these last 2 or so weeks have been amazing!! I've already seen a lot of progress but more importantly, I'm not dealing with exhaustion and burn out. Something that I have dealt with for the past 2 years!

I've created yet another training plan, but it's not so much for qualifying in my October marathon. It's more training to be fit and healthy, physically and emotionally, in my daily life. No more looking ahead a few months and stressing over races.

Whether or not I qualify in October won't matter. I'm focused on reaching other goals, that in the end could possibly still make qualifying a possibility. I'm just going about it a different way, and different is better, at least for me!

My friend who I've been throwing my training ideas at sent me this quote the other day. It's so fitting for how I'm feeling right now! 

Ready To Move

I'm having a really hard time staying motivated to do ANYTHING right now. My big move is 2.5 weeks away and I'm struggling. It's as if knowing the end of this chapter is near and it just can't come fast enough. It's making things really stressful. All I want to do is sleep away the hours. I don't want to create activities for my girls' entertainment, or go grocery shopping, clean, eat, get dressed, shower, exercise...I just want to be out of this trailer. This past week I've tried so hard to stay busy. It helped make the days go faster, but now I'm burnt out. I really just want to move and be done living in this place. This is such a big move for me. I've waited for this move for 2.5 years. This move will solve a lot of problems and it just can't come fast enough. Every morning I wake up and cry because I'm still living my worst nightmare. Depression is seeping in. I catch myself laying around, doing nothing. I can't seem to get myself up in the morning to exercise. And then I start beating myself because of it. It's a vicious cycle.

I try to tell myself to enjoy the last few weeks in the trailer because it's almost over. It's hard though. It's been so hot outside to do anything except swim. And my girls have been constantly fighting, evermore than usual. They need this move just as much as I do. They bug the heck out of each other because there is no space and this momma isn't providing them entertainment. I find myself sitting online more and more trying to pass the time. Pinterest has been so fun to search on. I have so many things I am excited to do in the new house.....but waiting is hard.

I need to create a plan to focus on each day. To "win the day" every day. But how?

I'm more overwhelmed now than I was before knowing we were finally moving. I know I'll look back to these last few days and think I was silly for feeling this way.

I think I'm going to post later about the real and raw experiences that I've had while living in a trailer. But for now, I better get up to clean.

Letting Out Emotions

For years I've been afraid. Afraid of being me. I have kept so much of my emotional turmoil inside that I haven't been able to have friends. I was scared to. I didn't want people thinking I am crazy. Not kidding.

Today, I had an emotional break through. I let my real raw emotions out. I might have scared a few people, I shared things I have never shared before. But while at church today, I felt the need to speak. Some people might not have understood, but for the amount of people who came and spoke to me after the meetings to say "thank you" has made me feel amazing. It's something I've needed.

I move in 4 weeks. Almost 5 of the 7 years that I've been married, have been with my family living in a motor home or a 5th wheel trailer. I have put up a huge wall and tried so hard to be strong for my girls. I don't want them knowing that I struggle every. single. day. with everything. But it's been hard. I cannot even begin to say how hard it's been. Pretending that I'm ok living in here so I don't have to show how messed up I am inside is the hardest thing I've ever done.

I know who I am. I know what kind of person I can be. But it's hard being that person when I feel so a mess inside. I don't want friends because I don't like crying all the time about how hard my life is. I feel like I'm ungrateful. I should do the best with what I have, is something I've reamed inside my brain. I am blessed. I have more than most. But you know, I realized today just how strong I am.

I am claustrophobic. I can't play in those McDonald's play places with the enclosed tunnels. I couldn't even when I was a kid. I can't go down enclosed slides at the water park. I literally start panicking and hyperventilating. I wish I could see what my heart rate was when in these situations. Probably very close to my max.

So with that being said, I think it's time that I congratulate myself. I have lasted 4.5 years in a high stress, confined space. It has been ugly, but I can honestly say I tried my best. What else can you ask for? I can say with confidence that I have EARNED my new house. (One shouldn't have to earn something like that, but I am not in control here.)

Speaking of that, being a stay at home mom is not as amazing as some might think, or maybe it's just my situation. I love staying home with my children, but it has been extremely hard. I can't control or do what I want in most situations. I would have moved out of the trailer 3 months after moving in, I left my husband at that time and wanted a divorce. That was only living in a trailer for THREE MONTHS! It's now been 54 MONTHS. Not a lot has changed either. The only thing difference is my perspective, which I know is why I have been able to last this long. "Come what may and love it" and "do the best with what you've got" are two quotes I say to myself all day, everyday. Things will get better, this too shall pass....I have day in and day out lived a life of trials and hardships. Every. Single. Day.

I think it's about time that I stop beating myself up about the trials or hardships being MY FAULT, it's been said that they are, and realize that my situation doesn't help any.

Another thing I realized today is that I have let other things and other people tell me who I was. I let the criticism and jealousy of other's take me down. This has been a long 15 year battle of hearing things about yourself that aren't true or letting things define you, that shouldn't,and believing it. Something turned on today inside me and I know none of these things about me are any where near the truth.

I don't do things to seek attention or to prove I'm better, I do things to inspire others or brighten someone else's day.

I haven't been able to be the mom that I always wanted to be, but this past week, I've been able to be closer to my idea of what kind of mom I want to be. And things couldn't be better with my children. It's still difficult, but it's no where near where it was.

I think knowing that in just 4 short weeks I will be moving out of my trailer has brought me an indescribable amount of joy. And with sharing my emotions today has opened my eyes to see how truly strong I am. I am not one who has confidence in myself. (Read about why here.) But after gone through what I have these last almost 5 years, I can now see just how strong I am. I take pride in that today.

It's a love/hate relationship with these past several years and even though I have shared all about how hard it's been, I know I wouldn't have learned what I have had we not been in a normal living situation. You realize how much you take for granted when you no longer have luxuries. I mean the simple things of having a dishwasher, a full size washer and dryer, a full size fridge, counter space, space in general, privacy(!!!), being able to send your kids to their room when they are misbehaving, a yard that is not connected to your neighbor's yard...the list goes on.

I am grateful for all that I've learned but I'm so ready to be done with this chapter of my life and move on to bigger and better things.