For years I've been afraid. Afraid of being me. I have kept so much of my emotional turmoil inside that I haven't been able to have friends. I was scared to. I didn't want people thinking I am crazy. Not kidding.
Today, I had an emotional break through. I let my real raw emotions out. I might have scared a few people, I shared things I have never shared before. But while at church today, I felt the need to speak. Some people might not have understood, but for the amount of people who came and spoke to me after the meetings to say "thank you" has made me feel amazing. It's something I've needed.
I move in 4 weeks. Almost 5 of the 7 years that I've been married, have been with my family living in a motor home or a 5th wheel trailer. I have put up a huge wall and tried so hard to be strong for my girls. I don't want them knowing that I struggle every. single. day. with everything. But it's been hard. I cannot even begin to say how hard it's been. Pretending that I'm ok living in here so I don't have to show how messed up I am inside is the hardest thing I've ever done.
I know who I am. I know what kind of person I can be. But it's hard being that person when I feel so a mess inside. I don't want friends because I don't like crying all the time about how hard my life is. I feel like I'm ungrateful. I should do the best with what I have, is something I've reamed inside my brain. I am blessed. I have more than most. But you know, I realized today just how strong I am.
I am claustrophobic. I can't play in those McDonald's play places with the enclosed tunnels. I couldn't even when I was a kid. I can't go down enclosed slides at the water park. I literally start panicking and hyperventilating. I wish I could see what my heart rate was when in these situations. Probably very close to my max.
So with that being said, I think it's time that I congratulate myself. I have lasted 4.5 years in a high stress, confined space. It has been ugly, but I can honestly say I tried my best. What else can you ask for? I can say with confidence that I have EARNED my new house. (One shouldn't have to earn something like that, but I am not in control here.)
Speaking of that, being a stay at home mom is not as amazing as some might think, or maybe it's just my situation. I love staying home with my children, but it has been extremely hard. I can't control or do what I want in most situations. I would have moved out of the trailer 3 months after moving in, I left my husband at that time and wanted a divorce. That was only living in a trailer for THREE MONTHS! It's now been 54 MONTHS. Not a lot has changed either. The only thing difference is my perspective, which I know is why I have been able to last this long. "Come what may and love it" and "do the best with what you've got" are two quotes I say to myself all day, everyday. Things will get better, this too shall pass....I have day in and day out lived a life of trials and hardships. Every. Single. Day.
I think it's about time that I stop beating myself up about the trials or hardships being MY FAULT, it's been said that they are, and realize that my situation doesn't help any.
Another thing I realized today is that I have let other things and other people tell me who I was. I let the criticism and jealousy of other's take me down. This has been a long 15 year battle of hearing things about yourself that aren't true or letting things define you, that shouldn't,and believing it. Something turned on today inside me and I know none of these things about me are any where near the truth.
I don't do things to seek attention or to prove I'm better, I do things to inspire others or brighten someone else's day.
I haven't been able to be the mom that I always wanted to be, but this past week, I've been able to be closer to my idea of what kind of mom I want to be. And things couldn't be better with my children. It's still difficult, but it's no where near where it was.
I think knowing that in just 4 short weeks I will be moving out of my trailer has brought me an indescribable amount of joy. And with sharing my emotions today has opened my eyes to see how truly strong I am. I am not one who has confidence in myself. (Read about why here.) But after gone through what I have these last almost 5 years, I can now see just how strong I am. I take pride in that today.
It's a love/hate relationship with these past several years and even though I have shared all about how hard it's been, I know I wouldn't have learned what I have had we not been in a normal living situation. You realize how much you take for granted when you no longer have luxuries. I mean the simple things of having a dishwasher, a full size washer and dryer, a full size fridge, counter space, space in general, privacy(!!!), being able to send your kids to their room when they are misbehaving, a yard that is not connected to your neighbor's yard...the list goes on.
I am grateful for all that I've learned but I'm so ready to be done with this chapter of my life and move on to bigger and better things.
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