Figuring Out What Motivates Me

Well, I'm finally back to training now that we are all settled into our new home. Let me just say, this move has been amazing!! I'll be doing an update about the move on my family blog soon!

I took a week off during the move and last week managed a weak 23 miles, but I did run my longest run since my marathon 5 months ago! If you've followed me you'll know how much I've been struggling to run. I ended up taking a 3 month break from running. I turned to cycling and really enjoyed it. I built myself up to my first century (100 miles) but as the weather started getting warmer, it was hard to get out for the time that I had been, so I started running again. It's been a struggle to find my groove again but I think it's finally happened. I've started running my long runs on the trails and completely loving it! I ran 15 miles yesterday in some brutal weather, but it made me feel so strong. 90 degress with 60% humidity is no joke! I drank almost 70oz of water, used 2 GU's, and ate 1 waffle bar. I felt really good despite the weather. 

I have been really nervous about getting my mileage back up since taking a long break. I was really scared of injury and doing too much. It's taken me longer than I thought it would to rebuild, but I've been cautious. It feels SO good to be running something over the half marathon distance again! 

I realized something this weekend to help me get out the door on my long runs. I've struggled with my longs runs because it's the weekend and I usually stay up rather late watching TV or a movie with my husband. Running my long runs on little sleep is hard! During the summer, I'm up at 4:00am to run and don't get to bed til after midnight. But as I was talking myself into getting up in a few hours for Sunday's run I had a thought, the night before a marathon how many hours of sleep do I get? On a good night, maybe 3 hours and on a not good night, maybe 30 minutes. So why am I stressing over getting enough sleep before a long run if I hardly sleep before a marathon? I told myself "it's good training" to not get 8 hours of sleep before a long run because I wouldn't do that before a race. I'm a type of person who uses "practice how you play" in my training, so running with little sleep is a perfect way to train!  

Something else I'm realizing that maybe training for a marathon or really to train to qualify for Boston, just isn't exciting me anymore. As much as I really want to qualify, there's way more to it than training for months and months and then showing up on race day and executing your plan perfectly. I feel that in all honesty, the stars have to align and race day has to be perfect. Well, how often in training are runs perfect? For me it's a rare thing. I know a lot of my burn out this past 1.5 years has been from training incredibly hard but then showing up on race day ready to hit the qualifying time but things end up differently. Like starting my period around mile 20 in a marathon that I was right on pace until noticing I had started. Or when the weather is 30 degrees warmer than the usual temperature on race day. There are things that happen that you can't train for. And that gets discouraging. Very discouraging. 5 of my 7 marathons have been huge letdowns and not because of me showing up unprepared but because of other uncontrollable things. While I still love the race environment, I see myself slowing fading out of racing. I'll probably do the same 2 marathons a year just because I love them that much, but I have bigger plans for myself. 

As I was running my 15 miler yesterday, I had this thought that I had in mile 8 of my FIRST half marathon. I had always wanted to run a full marathon but for some reason, even as I was training for my first half, I kept telling myself that there was no way I'd run a full. A half was good enough. But as I was saying, around mile 8 of my first half marathon I had the thought of, "I totally could finish this half and then turn right around and run BACK to where I started." I didn't but even after finishing the half marathon, I still felt that way. Running a marathon wasn't as scary as I thought. I have now run 8 marathons. When I finished my 15 mile run yesterday I had the thought of "I could totally go and run another 15 mile loop" and that got me excited! I have plans to run a 50k in Decemeber but why wait? Why not build up to it now!? So that's my goal this summer. I haven't made a training plan so I may or may not hit 50k before my marathon but I am still going to train, and taper when it's time, in these weeks leading up to the marathon. I am really excited about this. I feel like I'm actually training for something hard again. Don't get me wrong but after so many marathons, it gets boring! Just trying to get motivated to run again! 

Limiting Ourselves And Possibly Others

I think I'm becoming a blogging addict. I really an enjoying writing, I may not be the greatest writer, but it all comes from the heart.

I saw this picture posted tonight and It hit me hard. "The only limits in life are the one's you make." Doesn't that have such power to it? Maybe it hits me hard because of what I'm learning right now. It's all mental. This morning I proved to myself that I can do things I typically don't think I can. I don't consider myself a fast runner. Back in high school I was. My fastest mile was a 5:45 mile. There's no way I'll ever get that fast again...but that's the limit I am putting on myself. This morning I ran a mile and a half at a 7:16 average pace, with no training, no speed work, no nothing. Just flat out mental toughness. That short run helped me knock down some demons I've created about running fast and physically bit being able to. Speed runs in my family. (No pun intended haha) but I always tell myself that I cannot be fast again. I've realize, with the help of my good friend Omar, that in fact I am cable of much, much more than I think.

And that's the problem. It all goes back to mental toughness. On this morning's run, I actually ended up turning my watch settings to only show distance so I had no idea what pace I was running until I finished. I ran according to how I felt instead of what I thought I could do. Had I had my pace showing on my watch, I know I would've run around an 8:30 pace. And that would have only been because that's what I THOUGHT I could do. I really surprised myself. It was a great confidence boost for me.

Another thing I wanted to get off my chest is not only do we limit ourselves, but we also let others limit us, at least I have done so. I know with sharing my workouts on Facebook back a year ago, I had a lot of people saying stuff like, "you're doing too much" "you're going to get injured" "be careful" "if you keep training like that, you'll end up burnt out before race day." And so on...you get the picture. And for a new runner who was very insecure with what she was doing to begin with, hearing this phrases often really got to my head. I tried to play it off, but I let fear sink in and it ruined me mentally. I'm only sharing this because it was so detrimental to me. I may be weak for letting it affect me, but I'm positive I'm not the only one. I have finally realized how strong of a person I am and I am different from most. I don't do things just to say I do them. I do things to prove to myself that I can always do better. I am extremely passionate about running. Ask me about my first ever 5k and I will literally cry as I replay the story out. It's not weakness, it's passion. Ask me about my first marathon, I will do the same. Even though those tears are not of joy but of pain. Ask me about my marathon when at mile 20, I started my period and it was not pretty. But then after relaying the story of what happened to "friends" on facebook, I was told to suck it up and be glad I finished. Which I was completely satisfied with finishing, I was just completely embarrassed about what happened out on the course. Anyway....didn't mean to get into all that. What I'm saying is, BE KIND. Don't judge someone else's training. Just because it's NOT WHAT YOU DO, doesn't make it wrong or too much or they are going to get injured...all anyone needs is encouragement. Going back to that young lady who finished 100 miles this weekend but had lost her crew due to her crew's mother passing away suddenly. This poor gal was so incredibly sad. I'm sure it would have helped if someone saw her pain and offered comfort. I just realized it too late and I feel horrible about it. Which is why I've set a goal to be more open and to see those who need a friend. My most favorite quote is this, "our days are happier when we give people a bit of our heart, instead of a piece of our mind." Such beauty in that quote. The world needs more kindness and I truly believe that that kindness starts with us. We can make a difference by offering a smile, a hug, a listening ear...something other than negativity. Strong people lift others up, not put them down. In the words of Ellen Degeneres, "BE KIND TO EVERYONE."

Mental Toughness

I have so much on my mind today. So many life changing events happened this weekend. I am a very real person. I tell it how it is. I don't sugar coat things or say things to make me look better than I really am. Point blank. So for those of you who have followed me know how much I struggle day to day with person trials. Not even running related.

I wish I could share more details but I know that by sharing too much, some will take offense. So I will share what I can. (Buy no way am I trying to be offensive, some people just can't see past their end of their noses.)

Some times, there comes a point in your life when you see who you are. You see that you have become the exact person you swore you never would become. It's a very hard pill to swallow. In a previous post I talked about letting things define you and more specifically things that shouldn't define you but that you end up letting define you. 

Ever since my oldest daughter turned about a year old, she was extremely active. Very busy. And this drove some people crazy. They would get after her about things and become stressed with her. This is still going on today, and she's almost 6. This made me feel that my daughter was a rotten child. That she is poorly behaved. And it hurt me thinking this way. I became very controlling and quite frankly embarrassed about my child. I let this define me. I was a horrible mother. My child was a wild child with no respect for others. What I didn't realize was my child is actually quite similar to every other 5 year old out there. Granted with some differences, but she's not a bad child like I felt she was. I realized that some people can't handle my active child. She is too much for them to handle, so they get frustrated and stressed. This has nothing to do with me, my parenting, or really the behavior of my child. It is a reflection on THEM. It's been amazing since I've realized this. I can let these people stress if they choose to, but it doesn't affect me or my child. It's their own choice to feel this way. With me realizing this I have relaxed A LOT and my daughter has been an absolute joy. When I was controlling her, her behavior was only getting worse. GO FIGURE. She is an amazing child and I can now see that.

Another thing that's been on my mind lately is mental toughness. Everything in life goes back to this. I learned a huge lesson about this this weekend. Watching the people out running and walking at the ultra marathon taught me so much about mental toughness. Whether is was the gal who placed 2nd place and was non stop running the whole time, or the gals who struggled with stomach cramps and other physical discomfort that made them have to take a break to try to shake the pain but still got back out there and kept pushing. Or even my friend Michael, who clearly struggled during the dark hours of the night but kicked butt as soon as the sun rose. I believe he said the last 15 miles were some of his fastest miles of the 100 miles!! These examples are true inspiration TO ME. Seeing the struggle, the pain, the wanting to quit, but them NEVER giving up. I cannot say how much that inspired me. I seriously get choked up and goosebumps just thinking about it. These are some amazing, amazing people and they taught me a huge lesson.
I struggle horribly with my mental toughness. It is the reason why I can't get a BQ. So, on this mornings run, I had a time trail run. I have 3 time trail runs this week. These runs will determine next month's pacing for my training runs. Going into today's run, I wasn't expecting anything special. I haven't been running much at all, let alone doing any kind of speed work. Well, I really, really surprised myself. I did 1.5 miles in 10 minutes and 55 seconds an average pace of 7:16 a mile. Holy cow! It felt amazing! Granted I was extremely close to puking, but man, that mental toughness can do A LOT for you!! These next few months are going to be absolutely amazing!!! I feel I'll be getting real close to my BQ this fall.

Before and During

Some people look at me and think I have it easy. That I have good genetics and can get into shape fast. You know those types that can eat anything they want and not gain anything. Who can run a marathon at a 6:30 pace without even training. I'm jealous of those types. I just look at food and gain 5 pounds. I have to bust my butt day in and day out to see results or to hit my goals. So when people tell me that I am blessed because I can lose weight or get into shape fast, I just want to smack them.

After my last marathon in February, I stopped running. I hated running. I wanted nothing to do with it. Actually, those feelings started back in December. And since December, I ate my emotions. So many things played in

to my depression. It was an extremely hard time for me and until a few weeks ago I didn't realize how bad it was. If you've gone through depression, you know what I'm taking about. So anyway, with being depressed and eating my emotions, I put on weight. Go figure haha A month ago, my family was getting ready to go to the water park and I felt "fat" in my swim bottoms. I took a shot of my behind and sure enough, eww. (Jimmy Fallon anyone??)  It was gross. So I covered up and beat myself up about it. (Because that makes it all better, right?) Well, after all the craziness with dropping out of my bike race and getting into my favorite marathon, it was game on for me. This is the year that I will be consistent and get closer to my goal of qualifying for Boston.

The last 3 week's I have busting my butt, literally, every day. I have a ton of work do and there's no time to waste. I mentioned in my last post about not letting the scale define me. It's been really hard to step on the scale and see no change. Even when I felt thinner, nothing changed.

Remember that picture of my rear end I took a few weeks ago? Well I decided to take another picture to compare. Let me first just tell you that I am a firm believer of taking photos. They show progress that the scale doesn't. After feeling bad because the scale wasn't going down, I compared the photos side by side and I cannot tell you how excited I was. Sometimes it's hard to see progress when you're stuck on a number you want the scale to read, but I challenge anyone reading this to take a photo now and then in a month's time, take another. That's how I will track my progress from now on.

Ok...now the scary part. I'm posting a photo of my rear end in my swim suit. It's no where near perfect, when comparing to this bikini models, but it's progress for me. (Be nice, don't say anything negative about this post. I really am proud of myself and don't need a Debbie downer to criticize me.) (Can you tell I'm a little insecure about posting this? But I like to document for the future. I like looking back and seeing where I started.) (Oh and ignore my messy mirrors. I hate cleaning them haha)

What Defines You

Ever since graduating high school, almost 10 years ago, I've struggled with balance in my life. I've struggled with confidence. I've struggled with knowing who I was and who I want to be. I focused my energy on negativity instead of the positive. These past 2 weeks have been life changing for me. I absolutely love that I'm writing more, it really eases stress and helps me the release all that's on my mind, which is always running. (No pun intended haha) These past 2 weeks, I've really focused on the positive or finding the positive in situations, which is complete opposite of what I usually do. I'm typically the "worst case scenario" type of gal. I have come to a point when a few months ago, I literally started having panic attacks about things. About everything. It was scary to tell you the truth. I've never felt this way before. It was about 2 weeks before I started back in to marathon training when I realized what was going on.

With this more positive attitude about everything in life, it's been amazing to see the benefits in all areas of life. To say these last 10 years have been hard, is an understatement. I let small things define who I was. How fast I ran, how much I weighed, what size pants I wore, how my children behaved...the list goes on. I thought I was a failure when I wasn't as skinny as this person or that person. Or that I wasn't as fast. Or my kids where psycho every where we went. (This one was huge for me.) I really felt like everyone was judging every move I made and if I wasn't perfect, I was a failure. This is completely silly but because of what I was going through internally, it became a huge thing to me. This is where the panic attacks started. I began to stress so badly about everything. It's hard to explain, unless you've been through this. I literally felt like a crazy person. It's kind of embarrassing.

Anyway, back to the point of my post. I recently read an article about emotional maturity. Obviously something I lack. In this article, it specifically talked about emotional maturity when it comes to reaching your best in racing. Something I'm striving to do. After reading this article and some long discussions with my husband (thank goodness for him and his patience) I've been able to realize that I've been letting the wrong things define me, which led to self doubt, which then led to poor performances in every aspect in life. Crummy wife, mother, friend and also in the things that I enjoy and am passionate about.

It's been an amazing 2 weeks in realizing what really defines me. First I realized that my children's behavior doesn't define me. Although my kids may be high energy, they are still great kids. (There have been things happen over the years, especially with my oldest daughter, that have made me feel like I'm a horrible mother.) They are children. They are young children and are no different from other children their age. I've also come to understand the true meaning behind not letting the scale define me. I'm one who obsesses over my weight. I was once overweight and incredibly ashamed about my appearance, can you blame me? Well, lately I've been stuck on a certain weight. Every time I weigh, I "feel fat" because the number is higher than I'd like it to be, BUT I am seeing some major results off the scale. I'm stronger, happier, and healthier than I have been in a while. Since starting back in marathon training last week, I've been not letting that number define me. I am stronger than that number. What I have been doing, since I stared running really, means much more than what the scale says. This week is easier to ignore that number than last week. I did have moments when I got discouraged because I don't weigh what I think I should but then I go out and run, pushing 80lbs of kid weight in the double stroller, and realize that I really am stronger than that number. I have realized that I've let the scale rule my life. Forget what I was doing in training, I didn't weigh what I thought I should and so everything I was doing, meant nothing. I should have tossed the scale in the trash. Well my friends, that is exactly what I'm doing. I'm already seeing progress in my running, I'm already seeing results in some photos I've taken, and that all means much more than what the number on the scale says.

Anyway, kind of got long winded but I just wanted to write out my thoughts about what I've realized lately.

Changing Things Up

Something changed in me about 2 years ago. I had been running for 6 months and those 6 months had been the best months of my life. I was completely happy. Which is opposite of what I had felt several years prior. Without going into too much detail, I had just hit my ultimate goal weight, one I'd never thought I'd see again. I felt amazing. I was running 30 miles a week, eating extremely well, and all around just very healthy. I made the dumb decision to post this goal weight I'd hit on Facebook. What I thought would be a celebration turned into a lecture from many friends about how I was way too skinny and unhealthy. Me, being insecure, I decided to listen and put back on almost 10lbs but I also gained back some of the depression I had fought So hard to beat. These last 2 years I have been at war with myself. I turned into the type of person who feels I need approval from someone before I do something, anything really!  Well, when I first decided to lose weight, I didn't need approval, I knew it needed to be done. And for the 6 months that followed, I just did what I felt like doing. No approval needed. But as soon as the backlash came out, I felt the only way I could do something is if at least 1 person approved. Totally lame of me, right? Well it comes with who I am.

(On a side note....something that has really bothered me since being told I was "too skinny" ....I find it odd that I was told that....but when I weighed 50lbs more....no one ever told me I was too heavy. Doesn't makes sense, does it? People are funny. Could it be jealousy? People say the number on the scale doesn't define them...and yet when someone posts their number, that's actually healthy for them, they get all crazy on that person. Funny, isn't it?)

This past Sunday, I rode 100 miles on my bike. 100 MILES! This was the first time in 2 years when I actually felt sincerely proud of myself. I have downplayed EVERYTHING I've done up to that point. Forget the 8 marathons I've finished, when I set out to only run ONE. The "Crazy Pyramid Challenge" (5k, 10k, half, full, half, 10k, 5k in 7 consecutive days) The hundreds of miles I've walked, hiked run, biked...the 50lbs I originally lost. None of that is good enough. Well, on this 100 mile bike ride, I had some time to think...ok like 7 hours worth. I thought about what changed inside me and pinpointed a few things. For the past 2 years, I've looked at myself in the mirror and cried. I hate my body. I loved it 2 years ago when I was at my goal weight. But because of everyone's disapproval, I gained 10lbs...now almost 20lbs. I hate it. I never want to go anywhere or do anything because of the way I feel. I feel fat and I'm so inconsistent with my training. Every. Single. Day. I fight myself with getting out for a run. I used to run 6 days a week, pushing the DOUBLE stroller 5 of those days. One week, the peak of my training for my first marathon, I ran 60 miles, 40 of those miles I pushed the double stroller. 10 miles a day, Monday-Thursday, rested Friday and then ran 20 miles at a 8:45 pace on Saturday....oh did I mention it was August!?! Summer in Arizona in August is nasty. 115 degrees as a high...but also its our monsoon season so we had 80% plus humidity. And you know what, I FELT AMAZING! I felt so good about myself. I have never ran that much in a week since then. Heck, I don't even run with the stroller anymore. I think a lot of my disappointment comes from thinking about that training. I was in the best shape of my life then. But because I was coming from such a scary and dark place, I looked to friends and family to help encourage me. But when I got ridiculed for being "too skinny" or "running too much" I put back on weight to please them.

I've never really talked about this...like ever to anyone really. I really didn't know this was such a factor in my every day life. But after having a lot of alone time to think during those 100 miles, I finally excepted it.

I made a goal this week, that whenever I thought "I want to go run right now" or, "I want to go do a workout" that instead of talking myself out of it in fear sunshine will say something negative, I would actually get up and just do it. Yesterday I did a ride on the trainer, because it was 9pm and then I thought "hey, I want to lift weights. Lifting makes me happy." So I did just that. Today I woke up and felt the urge to run. I pushed it aside this morning because the thought of people in my head saying "you're doing too much" "you're going to get injured." (HUGE pet peeve of mine!) I know my body and I felt amazing after last night's work out, so I strapped my little one in the stroller and ran 4 miles. It felt GREAT!!!

I've been married for 7 years now. It's really made me a different person. Marriage is NOT easy. Being a mother is NOT easy. I completely lost myself to all that until I started running in October 2011. It's time to find me again and to not let people hold me back or worry about their disapproval on anything I do. Before, any type of disapproval was fuel to my fire. Now, it's become an excuse to not do what I love. I have a deep passion for running. A passion so deep that there are not words to describe it. Running changed my life. No, running SAVED my life.

Finding Confidence

The past 2 weeks I've been doing a lot of reflecting and discussing with my husband about some really emotional things about my past. I'm sure everyone has been through what I have, but this is my story.

First off, middle school sucks. Bad. The teasing, bullying, and drama that goes on is...well let's say, life alerting. For some people, like me, the teasing and bullying is so bad that is shapes people into who they become. I don't remember much about myself before these years in middle school, but after these years and into high school, I became very, very, extremely insecure. I was teased a lot, called mean names, and that shaped me and what I thought about myself. I thought I truly was a bitch, since these girls called me it several times. It hurt me. I thought I was a show off and tried to be better than everyone else. I hated my freckles, I hated my teeth (rat teeth as they were called) and I didn't try very hard when it came to sports. And then high school started. I got over my issues with sports because I had AMAZING coaches who saw how good I could be and they pushed me. But everything else...just got worse.

Girls are MEAN. That's that. They are caddy and jealous and will say some very mean things to make them feel better about themselves. Because of this, I became very worrisome about what girls thought of me, how I looked, how I dressed. I carried this way of life on past school. Even still today, at 27 years old. Something that all started at the age of 12. 15 years ago. Sad. Sad that I let this affect me for so long. But I never really pinpointed the reasons for this until recently.

4 years ago I was at my breaking point. I often thought of death and how life for my husband and kids would be so much better without me here. I was done. No reason to push on. But one night I had a very amazing experience that helped me to realize that I am needed. It was then that I started on my journey to getting out of depression. For 2 years, I prayed and pleaded daily to be able to find something that will make me happy. That's when I started running. With in 4 months, I lost close to 50lbs. I started getting told that I was too skinny, I lost the weight too fast. I had good genetics to have lost the weight that fast...but I was also told positive things. But because I was so used to letting the negative rule my life, I gained some weight back on. I discredited all my hard work and blamed good genetics on my weight loss. I wasn't good enough to have done this on my own.

These past 2 weeks I have been trying to learn to love myself for who I am today. Not who I want to be. But right now. This moment, to love myself. I've also been trying to let go of my past. I mean, it's silly, something that happened 15 years ago, has changed my whole life. I'm extremely jealous and judge mental towards women, I have only had 2-3 real close girl friends that I hang out with in the last 7 years. This past of mine, has made me bitter towards females. And I realized with in these last 2 weeks, how, quite frankly, silly this all was. Again, I had no idea all my issues were from these years in school. Just so happened to have come up in conversation with my husband and solving my problems.

Another HUGE part is Facebook. Oh how I HATE Facebook. People are so freaking mean on there. During the time I lost my weight, I deactivated my account. I was 100% completely happy and proud of myself. It felt amazing. After running my first marathon, 6 months after getting off Facebook, I got back on. I missed talking with my "friends". I stayed for about a year and then I realized I had been in and out of depression again and very much caught up on worrying what people thought of me. (I don't want to go into too much details, but honestly, it makes me sick just thinking about how mean people are on social media. I haven't had any issues with instagram, but holy cow, it is incredibly sad how brutal and rude and jealous people get. The part that kills me is how these people voice their opinions. Wow.) I honestly felt like I did in high school all over again. So, I ditched it.

So anyway...today...I've had some more time to realize some things. One, I have created my own fear of having confidence in myself and in what I do. I look back at these girls from school and think to myself, they are girls with "confidence". For 15 years I have thought this. So to me, having confidence makes you mean and, well quite frankly, a bitch. I DID NOT want to be that. I want people to like me. So if I am "confident", how could people like me? Second thing I'm realizing, because of insecurities, I don't take compliments well. I don't give myself credit for any of my accomplishments. Those 50lbs that I lost was only because of good genetics. Those 8 marathons I ran in 16 months was nothing special to talk about. The fact that I got a scholarship to play volleyball in college meant nothing. "It was just a junior college," I'd tell myself. There are so many things that I have discredited myself from.

Things kind of got put into perspective today. I was challenged a week ago during bootcamp, when everyone was doing toe touches on a step, my instructor told me to do a box jump and jump to the third step. I did that, no problem. Then after a few more jumps, he challenged me to go to the fourth step. I laughed and said, "yeah right, I can't do that." I attempted just to prove him wrong, but I was actually pretty close. Bootcamp ended and I couldn't stop thinking about those steps. I am a very, very competitive person. A lot of people say that about themselves, but I think I'm at a level that's unhealthy. I can't even play recreational sports because I get too competitive. Even in bootcamp, if we are doing timed things (sprints, push ups...) I have to be first. I'm in no way rude about it. I just have to push myself that hard to be satisfied. Like I said, probably not healthy...but it actually does make me push myself very hard and get to where I want faster. Anyway, back to the steps. I attempted a few more times as the days past, but kept failing. On Sunday, there was a very amazing lesson at church about letting go of the past and be forgiving. The lesson was a little deeper than that, but to spare all the details, I pretty much cried the whole lesson. (I'm a big cry baby just FYI) Throughout the week I have been learning to let go of things. But my biggest thing now is having confidence. I always looked at women who I thought had "confidence" and I didn't want to be like that. They were rude, inconsiderate, and thought they were better than everyone else. But what I realized this week was that I was looking at the wrong people for examples. That made a huge difference in my perspective. So this morning, after bootcamp, I attempted to jump the steps. I attempted several times but the lack of confidence was there. So I stopped, focused all my energy on positive thoughts and jumped with all my might. And what do you know, I cleared all 4 steps! It was a huge moment for me. One I'll never forget.

I can now say that the reason I went on to play volleyball, so what if it's at a junior college, was because I had talent and I was good.

I can now say that I lost those 50lbs in such a short time was because I busted my butt and earned everything on my own.

I can now say that I was able to run all those marathons because of pure determination and hard work.

I have earned all that I've gained. Nothing was given to me. Good genetics or not, I bust my butt day in and day out to get to where I want. And you can do the same. Don't let anything hold you back. Ever. It's hard to live like that. I'm proof, unfortunately, of that. Stop comparing yourself to those you socialize with. Who cares if you run a 10 minute mile and not a 6. Who cares if you can only run 3 miles and not 100 miles. Work your tail off and if you really desire to do these things, your passion and drive will get you there. I am also proof of that.