Training For Life, Not A Race

I love running. Running saved my life 2.5 years ago. It helped me escape from a horrible, dark depression. 

With running, I lost close to 50lbs and was the happiest I'd been in years. 

But after running my first marathon, I started to struggle. I so badly wanted to get a Boston qualifying time, but always came up short. My training started slacking, I just couldn't get out the door consistently anymore. I dreaded training. I would keep consistent and do really amazing workouts for about a month and then fall off and do nothing for a month. It was a vicious cycle. I always felt burntout, I had made running a "must do" and a "chore" but who likes chores?? 

So why did I still run? Well, after a very amazing 2 weeks of running my long, weekend runs on the trails, I realized something. I ran out of fear. Fear that if I didn't continue running, I'd gain weight back and be in a horrible depression again. Running was what helped me lose weight, so if I stopped, the weight would come back on. Here's something to know about me, before this weight loss journey and before having kids, I'd always been in fantastic shape. I never had to lose weight, so this is all new to me. I thought about this specifically on this past weekend's 13.5 mile trail run, I climbed over 2,000ft worth of hills. Most my runs are around 200-300ft elevation, so 2,000ft was a killer workout. I had the realization though, I didn't just have to run to stay fit. During the climbing sections of this 13.5 mile run, I obviously walked. My legs still burning, still getting stronger. For me, I had to run a certain average pace to feel like I was getting in a good workout. Challenging myself on these hills and tough terrain was extremely hard. It felt great. Seeing that my average pace was 13 minute miles really didn't bother me. I had just climbed some gnarly hills and no 8 minute mile run would make me feel as good as climbing those hills did. So, I made the decision to switch up training.

I realized that in my past trainings, I tried training like someone else who had recently qualified...well that training didn't work for me. This happened several times. I'd start out training how I thought I should, but always took to other's advice on how I should train. One thing I dislike about social media, Facebook in general, is any time you do something "different" in training, people start voicing their opinions, usually in a negative way, and then doubt starts to enter in. At least this is what's happened to me. 

With what I realized recently I've FINALLY decided to just train the way I want. Train according to my passions and my thinking. So far, these last 2 or so weeks have been amazing!! I've already seen a lot of progress but more importantly, I'm not dealing with exhaustion and burn out. Something that I have dealt with for the past 2 years!

I've created yet another training plan, but it's not so much for qualifying in my October marathon. It's more training to be fit and healthy, physically and emotionally, in my daily life. No more looking ahead a few months and stressing over races.

Whether or not I qualify in October won't matter. I'm focused on reaching other goals, that in the end could possibly still make qualifying a possibility. I'm just going about it a different way, and different is better, at least for me!

My friend who I've been throwing my training ideas at sent me this quote the other day. It's so fitting for how I'm feeling right now! 

Ready To Move

I'm having a really hard time staying motivated to do ANYTHING right now. My big move is 2.5 weeks away and I'm struggling. It's as if knowing the end of this chapter is near and it just can't come fast enough. It's making things really stressful. All I want to do is sleep away the hours. I don't want to create activities for my girls' entertainment, or go grocery shopping, clean, eat, get dressed, shower, exercise...I just want to be out of this trailer. This past week I've tried so hard to stay busy. It helped make the days go faster, but now I'm burnt out. I really just want to move and be done living in this place. This is such a big move for me. I've waited for this move for 2.5 years. This move will solve a lot of problems and it just can't come fast enough. Every morning I wake up and cry because I'm still living my worst nightmare. Depression is seeping in. I catch myself laying around, doing nothing. I can't seem to get myself up in the morning to exercise. And then I start beating myself because of it. It's a vicious cycle.

I try to tell myself to enjoy the last few weeks in the trailer because it's almost over. It's hard though. It's been so hot outside to do anything except swim. And my girls have been constantly fighting, evermore than usual. They need this move just as much as I do. They bug the heck out of each other because there is no space and this momma isn't providing them entertainment. I find myself sitting online more and more trying to pass the time. Pinterest has been so fun to search on. I have so many things I am excited to do in the new house.....but waiting is hard.

I need to create a plan to focus on each day. To "win the day" every day. But how?

I'm more overwhelmed now than I was before knowing we were finally moving. I know I'll look back to these last few days and think I was silly for feeling this way.

I think I'm going to post later about the real and raw experiences that I've had while living in a trailer. But for now, I better get up to clean.

Letting Out Emotions

For years I've been afraid. Afraid of being me. I have kept so much of my emotional turmoil inside that I haven't been able to have friends. I was scared to. I didn't want people thinking I am crazy. Not kidding.

Today, I had an emotional break through. I let my real raw emotions out. I might have scared a few people, I shared things I have never shared before. But while at church today, I felt the need to speak. Some people might not have understood, but for the amount of people who came and spoke to me after the meetings to say "thank you" has made me feel amazing. It's something I've needed.

I move in 4 weeks. Almost 5 of the 7 years that I've been married, have been with my family living in a motor home or a 5th wheel trailer. I have put up a huge wall and tried so hard to be strong for my girls. I don't want them knowing that I struggle every. single. day. with everything. But it's been hard. I cannot even begin to say how hard it's been. Pretending that I'm ok living in here so I don't have to show how messed up I am inside is the hardest thing I've ever done.

I know who I am. I know what kind of person I can be. But it's hard being that person when I feel so a mess inside. I don't want friends because I don't like crying all the time about how hard my life is. I feel like I'm ungrateful. I should do the best with what I have, is something I've reamed inside my brain. I am blessed. I have more than most. But you know, I realized today just how strong I am.

I am claustrophobic. I can't play in those McDonald's play places with the enclosed tunnels. I couldn't even when I was a kid. I can't go down enclosed slides at the water park. I literally start panicking and hyperventilating. I wish I could see what my heart rate was when in these situations. Probably very close to my max.

So with that being said, I think it's time that I congratulate myself. I have lasted 4.5 years in a high stress, confined space. It has been ugly, but I can honestly say I tried my best. What else can you ask for? I can say with confidence that I have EARNED my new house. (One shouldn't have to earn something like that, but I am not in control here.)

Speaking of that, being a stay at home mom is not as amazing as some might think, or maybe it's just my situation. I love staying home with my children, but it has been extremely hard. I can't control or do what I want in most situations. I would have moved out of the trailer 3 months after moving in, I left my husband at that time and wanted a divorce. That was only living in a trailer for THREE MONTHS! It's now been 54 MONTHS. Not a lot has changed either. The only thing difference is my perspective, which I know is why I have been able to last this long. "Come what may and love it" and "do the best with what you've got" are two quotes I say to myself all day, everyday. Things will get better, this too shall pass....I have day in and day out lived a life of trials and hardships. Every. Single. Day.

I think it's about time that I stop beating myself up about the trials or hardships being MY FAULT, it's been said that they are, and realize that my situation doesn't help any.

Another thing I realized today is that I have let other things and other people tell me who I was. I let the criticism and jealousy of other's take me down. This has been a long 15 year battle of hearing things about yourself that aren't true or letting things define you, that shouldn't,and believing it. Something turned on today inside me and I know none of these things about me are any where near the truth.

I don't do things to seek attention or to prove I'm better, I do things to inspire others or brighten someone else's day.

I haven't been able to be the mom that I always wanted to be, but this past week, I've been able to be closer to my idea of what kind of mom I want to be. And things couldn't be better with my children. It's still difficult, but it's no where near where it was.

I think knowing that in just 4 short weeks I will be moving out of my trailer has brought me an indescribable amount of joy. And with sharing my emotions today has opened my eyes to see how truly strong I am. I am not one who has confidence in myself. (Read about why here.) But after gone through what I have these last almost 5 years, I can now see just how strong I am. I take pride in that today.

It's a love/hate relationship with these past several years and even though I have shared all about how hard it's been, I know I wouldn't have learned what I have had we not been in a normal living situation. You realize how much you take for granted when you no longer have luxuries. I mean the simple things of having a dishwasher, a full size washer and dryer, a full size fridge, counter space, space in general, privacy(!!!), being able to send your kids to their room when they are misbehaving, a yard that is not connected to your neighbor's yard...the list goes on.

I am grateful for all that I've learned but I'm so ready to be done with this chapter of my life and move on to bigger and better things.

What Can I Learn From This

I don't always love to run. It hurts, it's hard, it knocks your confidence in a blink of an eye, but if you can take a step back and ask yourself, "what can I learn from this?" you might just learn something about yourself or about running that will only make you into a better person/runner.

This week was an assessment week in my training. My friend, Omar, who I am working with in training had me run a 1.5, 3, and 6 mile time trials. Basically you run these distances as fast as you can. For the 1.5 mile and 3 mile run, I set a new PR. 1.5 was 10:55 (7:16 average pace), 3 miles was 22:57 (7:39 average pace) But this morning, well, this morning was rough. It hurt, it was extremely hard, it knocked my confidence, and left me feeling very discouraged. So as I sit outside, waiting for my family to wake up, I ask myself, "what can I learn from this?"

Right now, my answer is simply, "I am not there yet so I need to get back out there and train for it."

I emailed my friend, Omar, and told him of my discouraging run. He said back to me, "I'm glad you are hard on yourself because that's what separates a champion from a contender."

That hit me. I've always been taught that being hard on yourself isn't a good thing, but I suppose it can be. If you channel those emotions as fuel to the fire. Don't let a hard run defeat you. Or better yet, don't let a hard run DEFINE you. I posted on my instagram, "a hard run doesn't define you, what you do about does." If I quit after every hard run I've had, I would be no where near where I am today. I have more hard runs than not. "Running is not easy. If it were, EVERYONE would be doing it."

So, I say to all of us who have had a hard run, "buck up buttercup, pull your big girl/boy panties up, and GET BACK OUT THERE!"

Limiting Ourselves And Possibly Others

I think I'm becoming a blogging addict. I really an enjoying writing, I may not be the greatest writer, but it all comes from the heart.

I saw this picture posted tonight and It hit me hard. "The only limits in life are the one's you make." Doesn't that have such power to it? Maybe it hits me hard because of what I'm learning right now. It's all mental. This morning I proved to myself that I can do things I typically don't think I can. I don't consider myself a fast runner. Back in high school I was. My fastest mile was a 5:45 mile. There's no way I'll ever get that fast again...but that's the limit I am putting on myself. This morning I ran a mile and a half at a 7:16 average pace, with no training, no speed work, no nothing. Just flat out mental toughness. That short run helped me knock down some demons I've created about running fast and physically bit being able to. Speed runs in my family. (No pun intended haha) but I always tell myself that I cannot be fast again. I've realize, with the help of my good friend Omar, that in fact I am cable of much, much more than I think.

And that's the problem. It all goes back to mental toughness. On this morning's run, I actually ended up turning my watch settings to only show distance so I had no idea what pace I was running until I finished. I ran according to how I felt instead of what I thought I could do. Had I had my pace showing on my watch, I know I would've run around an 8:30 pace. And that would have only been because that's what I THOUGHT I could do. I really surprised myself. It was a great confidence boost for me.

Another thing I wanted to get off my chest is not only do we limit ourselves, but we also let others limit us, at least I have done so. I know with sharing my workouts on Facebook back a year ago, I had a lot of people saying stuff like, "you're doing too much" "you're going to get injured" "be careful" "if you keep training like that, you'll end up burnt out before race day." And so on...you get the picture. And for a new runner who was very insecure with what she was doing to begin with, hearing this phrases often really got to my head. I tried to play it off, but I let fear sink in and it ruined me mentally. I'm only sharing this because it was so detrimental to me. I may be weak for letting it affect me, but I'm positive I'm not the only one. I have finally realized how strong of a person I am and I am different from most. I don't do things just to say I do them. I do things to prove to myself that I can always do better. I am extremely passionate about running. Ask me about my first ever 5k and I will literally cry as I replay the story out. It's not weakness, it's passion. Ask me about my first marathon, I will do the same. Even though those tears are not of joy but of pain. Ask me about my marathon when at mile 20, I started my period and it was not pretty. But then after relaying the story of what happened to "friends" on facebook, I was told to suck it up and be glad I finished. Which I was completely satisfied with finishing, I was just completely embarrassed about what happened out on the course. Anyway....didn't mean to get into all that. What I'm saying is, BE KIND. Don't judge someone else's training. Just because it's NOT WHAT YOU DO, doesn't make it wrong or too much or they are going to get injured...all anyone needs is encouragement. Going back to that young lady who finished 100 miles this weekend but had lost her crew due to her crew's mother passing away suddenly. This poor gal was so incredibly sad. I'm sure it would have helped if someone saw her pain and offered comfort. I just realized it too late and I feel horrible about it. Which is why I've set a goal to be more open and to see those who need a friend. My most favorite quote is this, "our days are happier when we give people a bit of our heart, instead of a piece of our mind." Such beauty in that quote. The world needs more kindness and I truly believe that that kindness starts with us. We can make a difference by offering a smile, a hug, a listening ear...something other than negativity. Strong people lift others up, not put them down. In the words of Ellen Degeneres, "BE KIND TO EVERYONE."

Mental Toughness

I have so much on my mind today. So many life changing events happened this weekend. I am a very real person. I tell it how it is. I don't sugar coat things or say things to make me look better than I really am. Point blank. So for those of you who have followed me know how much I struggle day to day with person trials. Not even running related.

I wish I could share more details but I know that by sharing too much, some will take offense. So I will share what I can. (Buy no way am I trying to be offensive, some people just can't see past their end of their noses.)

Some times, there comes a point in your life when you see who you are. You see that you have become the exact person you swore you never would become. It's a very hard pill to swallow. In a previous post I talked about letting things define you and more specifically things that shouldn't define you but that you end up letting define you. 

Ever since my oldest daughter turned about a year old, she was extremely active. Very busy. And this drove some people crazy. They would get after her about things and become stressed with her. This is still going on today, and she's almost 6. This made me feel that my daughter was a rotten child. That she is poorly behaved. And it hurt me thinking this way. I became very controlling and quite frankly embarrassed about my child. I let this define me. I was a horrible mother. My child was a wild child with no respect for others. What I didn't realize was my child is actually quite similar to every other 5 year old out there. Granted with some differences, but she's not a bad child like I felt she was. I realized that some people can't handle my active child. She is too much for them to handle, so they get frustrated and stressed. This has nothing to do with me, my parenting, or really the behavior of my child. It is a reflection on THEM. It's been amazing since I've realized this. I can let these people stress if they choose to, but it doesn't affect me or my child. It's their own choice to feel this way. With me realizing this I have relaxed A LOT and my daughter has been an absolute joy. When I was controlling her, her behavior was only getting worse. GO FIGURE. She is an amazing child and I can now see that.

Another thing that's been on my mind lately is mental toughness. Everything in life goes back to this. I learned a huge lesson about this this weekend. Watching the people out running and walking at the ultra marathon taught me so much about mental toughness. Whether is was the gal who placed 2nd place and was non stop running the whole time, or the gals who struggled with stomach cramps and other physical discomfort that made them have to take a break to try to shake the pain but still got back out there and kept pushing. Or even my friend Michael, who clearly struggled during the dark hours of the night but kicked butt as soon as the sun rose. I believe he said the last 15 miles were some of his fastest miles of the 100 miles!! These examples are true inspiration TO ME. Seeing the struggle, the pain, the wanting to quit, but them NEVER giving up. I cannot say how much that inspired me. I seriously get choked up and goosebumps just thinking about it. These are some amazing, amazing people and they taught me a huge lesson.
I struggle horribly with my mental toughness. It is the reason why I can't get a BQ. So, on this mornings run, I had a time trail run. I have 3 time trail runs this week. These runs will determine next month's pacing for my training runs. Going into today's run, I wasn't expecting anything special. I haven't been running much at all, let alone doing any kind of speed work. Well, I really, really surprised myself. I did 1.5 miles in 10 minutes and 55 seconds an average pace of 7:16 a mile. Holy cow! It felt amazing! Granted I was extremely close to puking, but man, that mental toughness can do A LOT for you!! These next few months are going to be absolutely amazing!!! I feel I'll be getting real close to my BQ this fall.

First Ultra Marathon Experience Part 2

These are MY OWN thoughts/opinions after experiencing a 1 mile loop flat course. Things do change when it comes to ultras with elevation gains and not having an aid station every mile with food and water.

When they say ultra marathons are all mental....they really mean that. I learned about a few of the runner's training leading up to race day. Most didn't run anything over 6 miles. Seriously. They were either injured and had to rely on cross training or where so busy with life that they weren't able to run much, so they too put in a lot of cross training. The 2 others I've spoken to ran quite a bit more. One gal ran some 60 mile training weeks and the other ran several 100 mile training weeks. They all hit goals but they finished at different times. (Which really doesn't matter) what I'm saying is, training is only a small part to ultra marathons. It really is all mental. In all reality, I could have done a lot more than the 29 miles I did, but again, I have other things that are more important to me right now.

Thinking about the 24 hour time. To get 100 miles in 24 miles, you have to do 4 miles an hour. The hardest part is from sun set to sun rise in the middle of the night. Exhaustion sets in and mental toughness needs to take over, otherwise things get really hard. Granted with getting the 100 miles in, a lot of things need to go perfect. If your nutrition or water intake isn't spot on, things can head south real fast. (Again, this is all things I learned while pacing and watching. I'm no way an expert, especially since I have never done anything more than a marathon.)

Running ultra marathons are easier than running marathons. This is also something I have heard a lot. I have a couple different thoughts about this. The people running the ultras are much more willing to talk and help push others to continue than those at marathons. From what I have experienced anyways. Marathon runners are focused on a finish time and less likely to stop to help someone else. Yes, there are some who will stop, but most marathon runners train to hit certain times. Another thing on this topic on why ultras are easier, most ultra runners aren't running THE WHOLE TIME like marathon runners running marathons. (Again going back to hitting certain times in marathons as opposed to just finishing an ultra.) I've experienced on my own that running a 5 hour marathon, while it still hurts during, definitely has a much shorter, easier recovery time than trying to run a 3.5-4 hour marathon. I ran a 5 hour marathon during my Crazy Pyramid Challenge last summer...in 7 consecutive days I ran a 5k, 10k, half marathon, full marathon, half marathon, 10k, and 5k. While it still was very hard running a marathon, I still was able to run a half marathon the next day, with no soreness. Slower paced runs/walks are much easier to recover from, which is why ultra marathons are "easier". Not all ultra marathoners walk walk/run the distance. During Nanny Goat I saw several people running THE. WHOLE. TIME.

Which brings me to a story I'd like to share. There was this one gal, holy cow, she blew me away. I was lapped SEVERAL times by her as I walked with friends. So I saw her often. She was a machine. Go, go, go for 24 hours. She ended up finishing 100 miles around 22 hours and took 2nd place for overall female. To me, that is inspirational! Everyone out doing the 12 or 24 hour event was inspiring, but this was different. I don't want to ruffle any feathers at all, but walking is so different than running. Although walking still hurts, running is a lot more impact which is harder on the body. Seeing this gal run lap after lap, never stopping, was truly amazing!! She was what I thought an ultra runner was. It was really inspiring to watch her. Please understand that I believe everyone out there, walking or running, is an ultra marathoner. In my own tiny head, I had created my own visions of what ultra marathon runners looked like. I was really surprised at how much walking there was for most the people out there. I just had put people who do ultras on a much higher level than me, "just a marathon runner." But I realized that me trying to get a 3 1/2 marathon finish was just as hard and just as amazing as the folks out doing their thing in an ultra. I would never run or walk 100 miles and I'm sure most those people would say they wouldn't go try to run a 3.5 marathon. With that being said, I was completely amazed by the people out walking the 100 miles. It just goes to show that anyone can do an ultra marathon. I had told myself there's no way I'd ever do anything over a marathon but I've signed up for a 24 hour race at the end of December. I'm not sure how it's going to go, but in the 20 hours I was at this event this weekend I did almost 30 miles. I'm hoping to run 50-60 miles in 12 hours. The event only has 24+ hour events so I'm signing up for the 24 hour and really RUNNING for the first 12 hours. I then want to hang around to encourage and motivate the other people going the other 12 hours, that was the best part of this past weekend. I loved cheering and encouraging everyone who was finishing. That was amazing. I really believe everyone should go and watch some kind of running event and just watch the finish line. Nothing is more inspirational! Seeing the pure determination and mental toughness is simply beyond words. I truly learned so much about life itself at this event. But I will leave that for yet another post! :)