Something changed in me about 2 years ago. I had been running for 6 months and those 6 months had been the best months of my life. I was completely happy. Which is opposite of what I had felt several years prior. Without going into too much detail, I had just hit my ultimate goal weight, one I'd never thought I'd see again. I felt amazing. I was running 30 miles a week, eating extremely well, and all around just very healthy. I made the dumb decision to post this goal weight I'd hit on Facebook. What I thought would be a celebration turned into a lecture from many friends about how I was way too skinny and unhealthy. Me, being insecure, I decided to listen and put back on almost 10lbs but I also gained back some of the depression I had fought So hard to beat. These last 2 years I have been at war with myself. I turned into the type of person who feels I need approval from someone before I do something, anything really! Well, when I first decided to lose weight, I didn't need approval, I knew it needed to be done. And for the 6 months that followed, I just did what I felt like doing. No approval needed. But as soon as the backlash came out, I felt the only way I could do something is if at least 1 person approved. Totally lame of me, right? Well it comes with who I am.
(On a side note....something that has really bothered me since being told I was "too skinny" ....I find it odd that I was told that....but when I weighed 50lbs more....no one ever told me I was too heavy. Doesn't makes sense, does it? People are funny. Could it be jealousy? People say the number on the scale doesn't define them...and yet when someone posts their number, that's actually healthy for them, they get all crazy on that person. Funny, isn't it?)
This past Sunday, I rode 100 miles on my bike. 100 MILES! This was the first time in 2 years when I actually felt sincerely proud of myself. I have downplayed EVERYTHING I've done up to that point. Forget the 8 marathons I've finished, when I set out to only run ONE. The "Crazy Pyramid Challenge" (5k, 10k, half, full, half, 10k, 5k in 7 consecutive days) The hundreds of miles I've walked, hiked run, biked...the 50lbs I originally lost. None of that is good enough. Well, on this 100 mile bike ride, I had some time to think...ok like 7 hours worth. I thought about what changed inside me and pinpointed a few things. For the past 2 years, I've looked at myself in the mirror and cried. I hate my body. I loved it 2 years ago when I was at my goal weight. But because of everyone's disapproval, I gained 10lbs...now almost 20lbs. I hate it. I never want to go anywhere or do anything because of the way I feel. I feel fat and I'm so inconsistent with my training. Every. Single. Day. I fight myself with getting out for a run. I used to run 6 days a week, pushing the DOUBLE stroller 5 of those days. One week, the peak of my training for my first marathon, I ran 60 miles, 40 of those miles I pushed the double stroller. 10 miles a day, Monday-Thursday, rested Friday and then ran 20 miles at a 8:45 pace on Saturday....oh did I mention it was August!?! Summer in Arizona in August is nasty. 115 degrees as a high...but also its our monsoon season so we had 80% plus humidity. And you know what, I FELT AMAZING! I felt so good about myself. I have never ran that much in a week since then. Heck, I don't even run with the stroller anymore. I think a lot of my disappointment comes from thinking about that training. I was in the best shape of my life then. But because I was coming from such a scary and dark place, I looked to friends and family to help encourage me. But when I got ridiculed for being "too skinny" or "running too much" I put back on weight to please them.
I've never really talked about this...like ever to anyone really. I really didn't know this was such a factor in my every day life. But after having a lot of alone time to think during those 100 miles, I finally excepted it.
I made a goal this week, that whenever I thought "I want to go run right now" or, "I want to go do a workout" that instead of talking myself out of it in fear sunshine will say something negative, I would actually get up and just do it. Yesterday I did a ride on the trainer, because it was 9pm and then I thought "hey, I want to lift weights. Lifting makes me happy." So I did just that. Today I woke up and felt the urge to run. I pushed it aside this morning because the thought of people in my head saying "you're doing too much" "you're going to get injured." (HUGE pet peeve of mine!) I know my body and I felt amazing after last night's work out, so I strapped my little one in the stroller and ran 4 miles. It felt GREAT!!!
I've been married for 7 years now. It's really made me a different person. Marriage is NOT easy. Being a mother is NOT easy. I completely lost myself to all that until I started running in October 2011. It's time to find me again and to not let people hold me back or worry about their disapproval on anything I do. Before, any type of disapproval was fuel to my fire. Now, it's become an excuse to not do what I love. I have a deep passion for running. A passion so deep that there are not words to describe it. Running changed my life. No, running SAVED my life.
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