Monday, December 8, 2014

50k Story

50k story:

After being lost for an hour trying to find the race, I tried to keep my cool and relax. I didn't feel to flustered by the fact that my one hour drive to the race had turned into two hours. I finally arrived to the race and had about 30 minutes till the start. I relaxed a bit, prayed a lot, and watched the other runners. I was feeling so good. Confident. It was finally time to line up and start and like always, I headed to the back of the pack. I hate getting caught in the rush of the start. Everyone starts out way to fast and I get caught at that pace. It usually always kills me at the end. So I settled in the back. The gun went off and we started out. The first 5 miles were amazing. Absolutely beautiful. The trails were great, much less rocky than what I've trained on, but a really good warm up. Around mile 5 we crossed a huge wash. Up ahead I saw the climb out and took it. At this point i couldnt see anyone behind me or in front of me. As I continued on this trail something didn't feel right. I kept looking at the ground and it looked as if it was in the process of "regrowth" meaning no one had run this trail for a while. As I kept running and kept looking for the trail markers, stomach cramps hit hard, menstraul cramps. I wanted to lay down and die from the pain. Panic started setting in because i hadn't seen a marker for a half mile. In started crying and turned around. I prayed that I could find my way out and see where to go. As I made it back to the big wash, I saw this couple turning a different way and then I realized I had in fact taken the wrong path. I tried to shake that off but it really messed with me. Although it could have been much worse, it still shook me up. My stomach was still killing me and so were my legs. I couldn't relax and I couldn't think straight. It sucked. I was only 7 miles in and feeling this way? Crap. I'm in trouble. I met a lovely new friend, Marsha, around this point and i stayed with her. We talked a lot and it was a great distraction! We made it to the aid station at mile 12/13 and got a little something to eat and I had a small cup of coke. That tasted so good! The caffeine was a great pick me up. Marsha and I headed back out and at this point it hurt worse to walk than to run. I ended up running without Marsha for a few miles when I just had to sit down. My legs were cramping so bad. SO BAD! I called my husband and told him I was done. That this was the stupidest thing ever and I'm quitting at the next aid station...that was still 8 miles away. After talking to him, I sat down and took my shoes off. What a difference that made!! I soon realized that I had tied my shoes waaaay too tight. As I was tying them back up, Marsha came around the corner and I ran with her for a while again. She was doing a run/walk system but the walking killed me so I just kept my extremely slow jog and just kept moving forward. I can't remember what mile it was but I got lost shortly after this point. Somewhere around 18 miles. I went into full on panic mode. Hyperventilating, crying, praying...it was scary. I finally found a marker and at that point I had had enough. Enough of the panic and worry about getting lost, enough of my girl problems, enough of running. I finally reached the next aid station and had told myself it was ok to quit. And I was perfectly fine with that decision. This hurt I was in was totally not worth it. As soon as I got to the station, I sat down and bawled. Full on sobbing. I was so far gone. The volunteers were awesome and kept trying to talk me out of quitting but nothing could be said to me to change my mind. They said some pretty funny things, I've forgotten exactly what they said because I was so completely out of it but one guy said, "sweetheart, this is completely normal. Everyone goes through this. You will totally regret quitting. You can do it." I bawled and at that point my wonderful friend Marsha came in. I knew i could finish if I just stayed with her. So that's exactly what I did. We talked all the way in. About lots of things and it was amazing. We walked the inclines and ran everything else. I stared at the back of her shoes the whole way in. I don't even know what the trails looked like. I had to completely escape what I was doing. We had some pretty gnarly hills to climb at the end and honestly they felt so good to hike up! I had been training on some steep climbs and loved hiking up and sprinting down. These trails were nothing like that and I know it really made it hard mentally for me. These trails were looooong, slow inclines but didn't feel like inclines. So your legs hurt because of the incline but your mind doesn't understand why your legs hurt because it was "flat." So hard!! So these hills at the end were greatly needed for me. As we came up the top of the mountain, I looked down and saw the finish line! Totally cried. I never thought Id finish. I had been out running for nearly 8.5 hours!!! That's a long flippen time! As we got closer I saw my wonderful husband and wonderful friends Becca and Dave and their son Ethan. They were holding up signs and cheering for us. It was amazing!! We finally crossed that finish and I could hardly stand up. I was exhausted. Having had some time to think about it there were a few mistakes I could have avoided but being this was my first, I'll just say it was a good first ultra given my circumstances. No more running races during the week of my period, that's one thing I can control haha and I need to figure out my nutrition better. That is my biggest weakness. And my mental game. Huge weakness. This race was a very HUMBLING experience. I'm so proud that I finished and didn't quit. I honestly can't believe I was able to convince myself to get up at mile 23! This is by far the hardest thing I've ever done and so glad it's over with! 

The Start To My Book

I'm pretty sure that the last three years of my life could be made into a book. Not sure how it would do selling, but a book most definitely can be written. There is so much on my mind today. And most of it I want to write down. 

I still can't wrap my head around what happened this weekend. There's two parts why. One reason being, I was out running for 9 hours straight. 9 hours!!! I think that's more impressive than saying I ran 32 miles. There was so much hurt and so much pain, that I have blocked out what a huge accomplishment it was. Now, don't misunderstand. I would compare my experience to child birth. It's amazing and beautiful but you quickly want to forget about it because of how hard it was. (If you've never experienced a hard child birth, think of the hardest thing you've ever done and multiply that by 100 ;) I had to mentally block out the last 15 miles of the run. I had to 110% forget about what I was doing, otherwise I would have sat and waited for three hours for a ride back to the finish. I was so far gone mentally. I have never been so out of it before. I look back and shake my head. What a wuss to give up like that and for a while be ok with the fact of giving up. That's not me. I do not give up. (It's really hard to explain so don't misunderstand. I'm extremely proud of finishing and not giving up, there's just this empty space that I can't explain very well.)

Which then brings me to my next reason as to why I can't fully wrap my head around what I did this weekend. Boston. I hate to say it and I hate to think about it. But out running for 9 hours I had some time to think. As I ran I thought "this is not what I like." For ME (ME!!) I do not like running slow and being in so much pain that it hurts to run or even to walk! I'm all about speed. Get it done fast! My genes are speed! (At least for sprints and other short distances) but it's in my blood. And so I realized this weekend that no matter what I accomplish, I will never be satisfied until I reach my goal of qualifying for Boston. I honestly can say that I hate this but I have come to accept it for what it is. Like I said, I'm not a quitter. Once I set a goal, I will not stop trying until I reach it. 

I have written out my goals and making a plan. I now understand myself (yes it took running 32+ miles to figure me out) but it's been a very humbling few days. It's been very eye opening and now I understand and know where I want my journey to go. 

*this is so hard for me to share because of so many opinions I know I'll get. I know what I did this weekend and in these last three years are amazing and that most people only dream of doing what I'm doing (or think I'm completely out of my mind) I am very proud of myself and see how hard what I've done is but either way, this is ME. No one else. Me!! This is my wiring and how my brain works. Trust me, I have tried and tried and tried to do something to make me happy and satisfied but it doesn't work. My mind ALWAYS...ALWAYS goes back to Boston. I thought I was over marathons and so I signed up for something different. After doing the 50k, I realized that this is not the direction I want to go, right now at least. 

I have a lot of work to do before my next marathon but I finally feel like I have a better understand as to WHAT exactly I should be doing. I feel this race this weekend has pushed me 1,000 steps closer to my ultimate goal and I feel so ready for it, mentally, emotionally, physically. I will not stop until I reach BOSTON!!!!