I still can't wrap my head around what happened this weekend. There's two parts why. One reason being, I was out running for 9 hours straight. 9 hours!!! I think that's more impressive than saying I ran 32 miles. There was so much hurt and so much pain, that I have blocked out what a huge accomplishment it was. Now, don't misunderstand. I would compare my experience to child birth. It's amazing and beautiful but you quickly want to forget about it because of how hard it was. (If you've never experienced a hard child birth, think of the hardest thing you've ever done and multiply that by 100 ;) I had to mentally block out the last 15 miles of the run. I had to 110% forget about what I was doing, otherwise I would have sat and waited for three hours for a ride back to the finish. I was so far gone mentally. I have never been so out of it before. I look back and shake my head. What a wuss to give up like that and for a while be ok with the fact of giving up. That's not me. I do not give up. (It's really hard to explain so don't misunderstand. I'm extremely proud of finishing and not giving up, there's just this empty space that I can't explain very well.)
Which then brings me to my next reason as to why I can't fully wrap my head around what I did this weekend. Boston. I hate to say it and I hate to think about it. But out running for 9 hours I had some time to think. As I ran I thought "this is not what I like." For ME (ME!!) I do not like running slow and being in so much pain that it hurts to run or even to walk! I'm all about speed. Get it done fast! My genes are speed! (At least for sprints and other short distances) but it's in my blood. And so I realized this weekend that no matter what I accomplish, I will never be satisfied until I reach my goal of qualifying for Boston. I honestly can say that I hate this but I have come to accept it for what it is. Like I said, I'm not a quitter. Once I set a goal, I will not stop trying until I reach it.
I have written out my goals and making a plan. I now understand myself (yes it took running 32+ miles to figure me out) but it's been a very humbling few days. It's been very eye opening and now I understand and know where I want my journey to go.
*this is so hard for me to share because of so many opinions I know I'll get. I know what I did this weekend and in these last three years are amazing and that most people only dream of doing what I'm doing (or think I'm completely out of my mind) I am very proud of myself and see how hard what I've done is but either way, this is ME. No one else. Me!! This is my wiring and how my brain works. Trust me, I have tried and tried and tried to do something to make me happy and satisfied but it doesn't work. My mind ALWAYS...ALWAYS goes back to Boston. I thought I was over marathons and so I signed up for something different. After doing the 50k, I realized that this is not the direction I want to go, right now at least.
I have a lot of work to do before my next marathon but I finally feel like I have a better understand as to WHAT exactly I should be doing. I feel this race this weekend has pushed me 1,000 steps closer to my ultimate goal and I feel so ready for it, mentally, emotionally, physically. I will not stop until I reach BOSTON!!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment