The Start To My Book

I'm pretty sure that the last three years of my life could be made into a book. Not sure how it would do selling, but a book most definitely can be written. There is so much on my mind today. And most of it I want to write down. 

I still can't wrap my head around what happened this weekend. There's two parts why. One reason being, I was out running for 9 hours straight. 9 hours!!! I think that's more impressive than saying I ran 32 miles. There was so much hurt and so much pain, that I have blocked out what a huge accomplishment it was. Now, don't misunderstand. I would compare my experience to child birth. It's amazing and beautiful but you quickly want to forget about it because of how hard it was. (If you've never experienced a hard child birth, think of the hardest thing you've ever done and multiply that by 100 ;) I had to mentally block out the last 15 miles of the run. I had to 110% forget about what I was doing, otherwise I would have sat and waited for three hours for a ride back to the finish. I was so far gone mentally. I have never been so out of it before. I look back and shake my head. What a wuss to give up like that and for a while be ok with the fact of giving up. That's not me. I do not give up. (It's really hard to explain so don't misunderstand. I'm extremely proud of finishing and not giving up, there's just this empty space that I can't explain very well.)

Which then brings me to my next reason as to why I can't fully wrap my head around what I did this weekend. Boston. I hate to say it and I hate to think about it. But out running for 9 hours I had some time to think. As I ran I thought "this is not what I like." For ME (ME!!) I do not like running slow and being in so much pain that it hurts to run or even to walk! I'm all about speed. Get it done fast! My genes are speed! (At least for sprints and other short distances) but it's in my blood. And so I realized this weekend that no matter what I accomplish, I will never be satisfied until I reach my goal of qualifying for Boston. I honestly can say that I hate this but I have come to accept it for what it is. Like I said, I'm not a quitter. Once I set a goal, I will not stop trying until I reach it. 

I have written out my goals and making a plan. I now understand myself (yes it took running 32+ miles to figure me out) but it's been a very humbling few days. It's been very eye opening and now I understand and know where I want my journey to go. 

*this is so hard for me to share because of so many opinions I know I'll get. I know what I did this weekend and in these last three years are amazing and that most people only dream of doing what I'm doing (or think I'm completely out of my mind) I am very proud of myself and see how hard what I've done is but either way, this is ME. No one else. Me!! This is my wiring and how my brain works. Trust me, I have tried and tried and tried to do something to make me happy and satisfied but it doesn't work. My mind ALWAYS...ALWAYS goes back to Boston. I thought I was over marathons and so I signed up for something different. After doing the 50k, I realized that this is not the direction I want to go, right now at least. 

I have a lot of work to do before my next marathon but I finally feel like I have a better understand as to WHAT exactly I should be doing. I feel this race this weekend has pushed me 1,000 steps closer to my ultimate goal and I feel so ready for it, mentally, emotionally, physically. I will not stop until I reach BOSTON!!!!

I Run This Body

This post isn't easy to write but I want to get it out. For the past six months I have really ate my emotions. I, some times don't understand my emotions and that creates a vicious cycle, which leads to more extremely poor eating. 

I've had poor eating habits since I could remember. I was very active as a teen and didn't gain any weight. My weight issues started when I hit my 20's. Because of my poor eating habits, the weight finally caught up to me. 

Well these past 6 months or so have been really hard emotionally and I've hit rock bottom, in all aspects of life. 

I battle depression on top of all this. Some days I wonder if I'm bipolar because of my actions. It's really hard to talk about but I always feel better writing about it. I'm really embarrassed and full of shame because of my actions, which makes my depression even worse. 

I started running 3 years ago to have a way to fight my depression and in the beginning it worked wonderfully. I soon let the negative comments and negative people around me kill my joy. I was told I was "too skinny" along with many other hurtful comments so I put back on some weight. Any weight on my small frame body was very noticeable, to me, and ever since then I have hated my body and discredited myself for all my accomplishments. Well, in these last few months, I've gained even more weight. I keep trying to start eating better to lose the weight but excuses overrule me. I have so much on my plate that I've realized I'm putting my health on the back burner. 

I always love the time around my birthday. It allows me to reflect on my life and see where I can do better. Three years ago I made it a goal to run one marathon and to also lose all my extra weight. After achieving both those things, I lost focus. I lost my "why." But I'm there at rock bottom again and ready to get my diet back under control. 

I still get so many compliments on my appearance and honestly it kills me. I can see myself past the clothes I put on and know what's there. Clothes can cover up a lot. I'm disgusted with myself. It's hard to write this because I'm "slim" and "there are people worse off than me." Well I for one am tired of thinking that way. I am the one who lives in my body and if I'm not comfortable in it, why does any other opinion matter. I'm tired of feeling like I do and ready to do what I have to to get MY healthy comfortable body back. But this time I'm not listening to anyone and their opinions. 

Quick Update

This week was a long one for me. My husband worked long hours which left me home without mch of a break. I still ran Tuesday-Thursday and did my morning yoga. Some times it's hard to go slow and rebuild but I took time off so it's a must right now. I definitely felt better than the week before. I love having a scary goal to work towards. Glad I'm over marathons really. 

Speaking of marathons, yesterday was the St George Marathon. It was my first marathon I ever ran. I was signed up to run it but backed out due to burn out. I prepared myself and was waiting for the guilt and negative self talk to play in but honestly I felt great. I have new and more exciting things to look forward to and that helped me stay positive this weekend. 

I had a great run yesterday. I wanted 12 miles but ran out of water so I stopped at 11.5. I thought I had only climbed 800-900ft but ended up with 1550!! I felt so strong and like I was flying!! It was the best feeling ever! I love my weekend trail runs!

This week is my birthday week. The week I decided to change my life three short years ago. I have accomplished so much in these three years and so proud of myself. I have gotten down on myself a lot because I haven't qualified for Boston yet, but I'm slowly letting myself be ok with that. I am in a good place right now and so grateful for that. 

Well kind of short on words tonight. I'll post a longer one next week in celebration for my birthday! 

New Hope, New Motivation

With the cooler mornings we finally are having, I'm getting more and more excited about life in general. Summer months are depressing for me. No desire to do anything really. Which then causes me to not eat well or exercise well. I always gain some weight and feel crappy about myself, but I'm realizing this year that it's the weather and not something inside me that's whacked out, well, it could be that too ;) 

In 10 days I celebrate not only my birthday, but also my anniversary since starting to exercise and take control of my health. It's exciting to look back on the last 3 years and see all that I have accomplished. It's been an amazing journey to say the least. 

With my birthday coming up and some hard trials I've faced lately I've decided that I do better when I have some sort of competition on the horizon to train for. So, with that being said, I have picked out my next endeavor but wish to keep it a secret until it's completed. I've realized that for me, when I talk about a goal, it lessons the value of it to me. I'm super excited for this journey and actually will be adding a few new things to my training plan. 

One of those things is yoga. I took my first real yoga class this past Friday and what a humbling experience it was. I cannot stop thinking about it. I am the least flexible and balanced person out there and being in this class was completely out of my comfort zone. It was humiliating and embarrassing but I loved it because of that. I'm realizing that I love a good challenge, wait, I already said that, huh? If I try something and I fail miserably at it, I then focus all my attention to that and push myself to become better. I like this about me. (I wish somehow I could use this determination and figure out how to apply it to my home with my chores....yikes!) I think this is why I got burnt out of running marathons. Especially after my marathon last October. It was my best race and I felt completely satisfied with myself, so why run anymore? I'm enjoying the break from marathon training, that's for sure! Anyways, yoga. Yoga is hard and it hurts like crazy (again because I have ZERO flexibility) but I'm very excited about my journey with it and to watch myself improve and become more at peace with my life (something I really love about the yoga lifestyle.) 

I plan to update this blog weekly so if you'd like to follow my journey feel free to follow the blog. I don't want to post on Facebook every single time I update here but I will be keeping this up to date. I want to be able to look back and see where I stared and feel myself go through the journey again (I do that with my old blog a lot. I read old posts from when I first started running, it's very humbling.)

Anyway, that's all for now. I'm very excited about this new chapter in my life and can't wait to see where I go! :)

Letting Go So I Can Move On

To say I've been on an amazing journey these last almost 3 years is an understatement. I have accomplished way more than I initially set out for. Flash back to 3 years ago, I was 50lbs heavier, bitter, angry, lonely, depressed...basically drowning. I was in a life that was complete 180 to what I was used to. Being a mom is difficult.

I don't even know where to start. I keep writing and deleting everything and starting over. There's so much I want to say, but feel maybe it's best to keep to myself. I will say this, I'm am extemely proud of the person I am becoming. I have struggled my whole journey as a mother with who I was. I was a horrible mother and hated every minute of every day of who I had become. It's hard living your life like that. I'm not being over dramatic about it either. I always had this vision of the type of mom I wanted to be and quite frankly, it was a realistic dream. And then my teenage years hit. Boy, were those the HARDEST years of my life. I felt so incredibly alone and no one to talk to. I went through a lot, most teens do, and doing it alone was tough. It was then that my heart turned to prayer. I prayed a lot. There is no denying that I made it through some of the hardest years because of my loving Father in Heaven. I see it even more as I look back on those years. And then I got married. And became a mom. And up until this week, I hated it. Being a mom was nothing like I thought it would be. But I now know it was because of certain things from my past that I needed to let go of. A lot of anger. A lot of bitterness. It was a month ago that I realized how much I was letting my past rule my life. I hated looking into the mirror because I hate seeing that person looking back at me. That was NOT me. I never once stopped praying but there were some trials I now realized I had to bare to really grow and understand things differently. But again, I can see my Heavenly Father creating a pathway for me to reach my goals as a mom and to become the mom I always wanted to be. Little by little it's all falling into place. I am overwhlemed with gratitude for the blessings and answers to prayers I've received wtih in the last 2 months. My eyes were opened and my heart was softened. If you've ever had that happen, you know how incredibly amazing it is.

I started running almost 3 years ago as a way to escape my problems. It worked. It worked really well. Until I got obsessed with a goal. To qualify for Boston. In the end, it really was my training partner's goal and I was just going along with it. I could never actually go run the marathon, financially, and honestly really didn't care to. So now, as I sit here and write this I can't help but shake my head. I took something I honestly loved and created into something I hate and dread doing. So why continue? Because I'm NOT a quitter. Once I set my mind on something, I don't stop fighting until I reach my goal. Well, my friends, I'm bowing out now. With the major life altering events I've had in the last 2 months, I can honestly say that I do not care what so ever about qualifying for Boston. I have come to find my true mission in life and that is my family. My children. It's honestly been amazing to see my heart turn from hard as a rock to kind and loving. I still love running and exercising but now it's for a different reason. A much better reason.  I'm completely excited for where I'm headed and can't wait to see what my future brings. With each new day, I am closer and closer to the woman I want to be and that is the most important thing. I no longer have hate against myself, I'm learning to forgive myself and start fresh.

I have so much on my mind. Where I want to go, what I want to do. I do know that exercising is my passion but because I've turned it into a dreaded chore, I'm taking a break and changing it up. I'm excited in this new chapter in my life. I've gone above and beyond what I wanted to do with running and I truly feel that I want to pursue something else now. 

I haven't gone for a run in a week, but I have been walking. I've already walked 20 miles this week and slowly I am getting that urge to run again. I am picking up dancing again and also practicing yoga everyday, I've always hated yoga but I really want to love it. Life isn't just about running marathons and I know I got sucked into a trap. It's not hard to when all your friends are runners. I'm ok with being different and not running marathon after marathon after marathon. It not only makes me exhausted but what the training does for my body, physically, I'm ready to pursue other dreams of mine.

I have my next marathon in 7 weeks. I am considering this as my "farewell" race. I don't plan to run a race again. I run for me and to be free. Running in races, for my competitive spirit, drains me. (And drains my bank account) 

I'm grateful or everything I've learned in the last 3 years and so excited for this next chapter in my life. There's so much to look forward to!! Lots of exciting things to come!

Before And Now

When I first started on my weight loss journey I took some before photos. I love to look back on these photos and see how far I've come. Every so often I like to more photos to see my progress. I then compare side by side with the old photos. It's fun to see!

I took some photos about 3 weeks ago but it takes me a while to actually post the pictures. After hitting my goal weight back in 2012, I started marathon training. I stopped weight training and started eating more carbs to fuel for the running. I am one who actually gains weight in marathon training. It's quite depressing but it is what it is. After doing a lot of research and learning, I've stopped eating a ton of carbs, still some carbs, but not nearly as much as I was! I've been back and forth about wanting to drop another 10lbs. I've obsessed over the scale and that's only made things more stressful. With our big move, I haven't weighed myself once in at least a month. I'm really trying to break the habit of weighing in daily. I like to gauge my progress or fitness by what I do and feel rather than what the scale says. I'm not quite where I want to be, I have some tightening and toning I want to do. But I'm once again back on track with eating and exercise. I'm motivated to finally hit my new goals and maintain.

Fitness feels like a vicious cycle. It's a "if you don't use it you lose it" type of thing. So because I would only run crazy mileage and never do any weight training, my body has lost some muscle. I've been doing a lot more weight training this year and already seeing a lot of progress but I know I can do better. I just want to feel good in my own skin and to be able to comfortable in clothes. I know I have some mental obstacles to get over because I still think of myself when I weighed 175lbs and not 125lbs.

I think I'm in a place, like literally my house, where I actually have space that I can get up early to do more while my kids are sleeping and when it's not so stinken hot. 

Anyway, kind of got long winded, I do that a lot! Here is a fun comparison photo comparing my very first photo I took before losing any weight and then about a 3 weeks ago.

Figuring Out What Motivates Me

Well, I'm finally back to training now that we are all settled into our new home. Let me just say, this move has been amazing!! I'll be doing an update about the move on my family blog soon!

I took a week off during the move and last week managed a weak 23 miles, but I did run my longest run since my marathon 5 months ago! If you've followed me you'll know how much I've been struggling to run. I ended up taking a 3 month break from running. I turned to cycling and really enjoyed it. I built myself up to my first century (100 miles) but as the weather started getting warmer, it was hard to get out for the time that I had been, so I started running again. It's been a struggle to find my groove again but I think it's finally happened. I've started running my long runs on the trails and completely loving it! I ran 15 miles yesterday in some brutal weather, but it made me feel so strong. 90 degress with 60% humidity is no joke! I drank almost 70oz of water, used 2 GU's, and ate 1 waffle bar. I felt really good despite the weather. 

I have been really nervous about getting my mileage back up since taking a long break. I was really scared of injury and doing too much. It's taken me longer than I thought it would to rebuild, but I've been cautious. It feels SO good to be running something over the half marathon distance again! 

I realized something this weekend to help me get out the door on my long runs. I've struggled with my longs runs because it's the weekend and I usually stay up rather late watching TV or a movie with my husband. Running my long runs on little sleep is hard! During the summer, I'm up at 4:00am to run and don't get to bed til after midnight. But as I was talking myself into getting up in a few hours for Sunday's run I had a thought, the night before a marathon how many hours of sleep do I get? On a good night, maybe 3 hours and on a not good night, maybe 30 minutes. So why am I stressing over getting enough sleep before a long run if I hardly sleep before a marathon? I told myself "it's good training" to not get 8 hours of sleep before a long run because I wouldn't do that before a race. I'm a type of person who uses "practice how you play" in my training, so running with little sleep is a perfect way to train!  

Something else I'm realizing that maybe training for a marathon or really to train to qualify for Boston, just isn't exciting me anymore. As much as I really want to qualify, there's way more to it than training for months and months and then showing up on race day and executing your plan perfectly. I feel that in all honesty, the stars have to align and race day has to be perfect. Well, how often in training are runs perfect? For me it's a rare thing. I know a lot of my burn out this past 1.5 years has been from training incredibly hard but then showing up on race day ready to hit the qualifying time but things end up differently. Like starting my period around mile 20 in a marathon that I was right on pace until noticing I had started. Or when the weather is 30 degrees warmer than the usual temperature on race day. There are things that happen that you can't train for. And that gets discouraging. Very discouraging. 5 of my 7 marathons have been huge letdowns and not because of me showing up unprepared but because of other uncontrollable things. While I still love the race environment, I see myself slowing fading out of racing. I'll probably do the same 2 marathons a year just because I love them that much, but I have bigger plans for myself. 

As I was running my 15 miler yesterday, I had this thought that I had in mile 8 of my FIRST half marathon. I had always wanted to run a full marathon but for some reason, even as I was training for my first half, I kept telling myself that there was no way I'd run a full. A half was good enough. But as I was saying, around mile 8 of my first half marathon I had the thought of, "I totally could finish this half and then turn right around and run BACK to where I started." I didn't but even after finishing the half marathon, I still felt that way. Running a marathon wasn't as scary as I thought. I have now run 8 marathons. When I finished my 15 mile run yesterday I had the thought of "I could totally go and run another 15 mile loop" and that got me excited! I have plans to run a 50k in Decemeber but why wait? Why not build up to it now!? So that's my goal this summer. I haven't made a training plan so I may or may not hit 50k before my marathon but I am still going to train, and taper when it's time, in these weeks leading up to the marathon. I am really excited about this. I feel like I'm actually training for something hard again. Don't get me wrong but after so many marathons, it gets boring! Just trying to get motivated to run again!