I don't even know where to start. I keep writing and deleting everything and starting over. There's so much I want to say, but feel maybe it's best to keep to myself. I will say this, I'm am extemely proud of the person I am becoming. I have struggled my whole journey as a mother with who I was. I was a horrible mother and hated every minute of every day of who I had become. It's hard living your life like that. I'm not being over dramatic about it either. I always had this vision of the type of mom I wanted to be and quite frankly, it was a realistic dream. And then my teenage years hit. Boy, were those the HARDEST years of my life. I felt so incredibly alone and no one to talk to. I went through a lot, most teens do, and doing it alone was tough. It was then that my heart turned to prayer. I prayed a lot. There is no denying that I made it through some of the hardest years because of my loving Father in Heaven. I see it even more as I look back on those years. And then I got married. And became a mom. And up until this week, I hated it. Being a mom was nothing like I thought it would be. But I now know it was because of certain things from my past that I needed to let go of. A lot of anger. A lot of bitterness. It was a month ago that I realized how much I was letting my past rule my life. I hated looking into the mirror because I hate seeing that person looking back at me. That was NOT me. I never once stopped praying but there were some trials I now realized I had to bare to really grow and understand things differently. But again, I can see my Heavenly Father creating a pathway for me to reach my goals as a mom and to become the mom I always wanted to be. Little by little it's all falling into place. I am overwhlemed with gratitude for the blessings and answers to prayers I've received wtih in the last 2 months. My eyes were opened and my heart was softened. If you've ever had that happen, you know how incredibly amazing it is.
I started running almost 3 years ago as a way to escape my problems. It worked. It worked really well. Until I got obsessed with a goal. To qualify for Boston. In the end, it really was my training partner's goal and I was just going along with it. I could never actually go run the marathon, financially, and honestly really didn't care to. So now, as I sit here and write this I can't help but shake my head. I took something I honestly loved and created into something I hate and dread doing. So why continue? Because I'm NOT a quitter. Once I set my mind on something, I don't stop fighting until I reach my goal. Well, my friends, I'm bowing out now. With the major life altering events I've had in the last 2 months, I can honestly say that I do not care what so ever about qualifying for Boston. I have come to find my true mission in life and that is my family. My children. It's honestly been amazing to see my heart turn from hard as a rock to kind and loving. I still love running and exercising but now it's for a different reason. A much better reason. I'm completely excited for where I'm headed and can't wait to see what my future brings. With each new day, I am closer and closer to the woman I want to be and that is the most important thing. I no longer have hate against myself, I'm learning to forgive myself and start fresh.
I have so much on my mind. Where I want to go, what I want to do. I do know that exercising is my passion but because I've turned it into a dreaded chore, I'm taking a break and changing it up. I'm excited in this new chapter in my life. I've gone above and beyond what I wanted to do with running and I truly feel that I want to pursue something else now.
I haven't gone for a run in a week, but I have been walking. I've already walked 20 miles this week and slowly I am getting that urge to run again. I am picking up dancing again and also practicing yoga everyday, I've always hated yoga but I really want to love it. Life isn't just about running marathons and I know I got sucked into a trap. It's not hard to when all your friends are runners. I'm ok with being different and not running marathon after marathon after marathon. It not only makes me exhausted but what the training does for my body, physically, I'm ready to pursue other dreams of mine.
I have my next marathon in 7 weeks. I am considering this as my "farewell" race. I don't plan to run a race again. I run for me and to be free. Running in races, for my competitive spirit, drains me. (And drains my bank account)
I'm grateful or everything I've learned in the last 3 years and so excited for this next chapter in my life. There's so much to look forward to!! Lots of exciting things to come!
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