Ever since graduating high school, almost 10 years ago, I've struggled with balance in my life. I've struggled with confidence. I've struggled with knowing who I was and who I want to be. I focused my energy on negativity instead of the positive. These past 2 weeks have been life changing for me. I absolutely love that I'm writing more, it really eases stress and helps me the release all that's on my mind, which is always running. (No pun intended haha) These past 2 weeks, I've really focused on the positive or finding the positive in situations, which is complete opposite of what I usually do. I'm typically the "worst case scenario" type of gal. I have come to a point when a few months ago, I literally started having panic attacks about things. About everything. It was scary to tell you the truth. I've never felt this way before. It was about 2 weeks before I started back in to marathon training when I realized what was going on.
With this more positive attitude about everything in life, it's been amazing to see the benefits in all areas of life. To say these last 10 years have been hard, is an understatement. I let small things define who I was. How fast I ran, how much I weighed, what size pants I wore, how my children behaved...the list goes on. I thought I was a failure when I wasn't as skinny as this person or that person. Or that I wasn't as fast. Or my kids where psycho every where we went. (This one was huge for me.) I really felt like everyone was judging every move I made and if I wasn't perfect, I was a failure. This is completely silly but because of what I was going through internally, it became a huge thing to me. This is where the panic attacks started. I began to stress so badly about everything. It's hard to explain, unless you've been through this. I literally felt like a crazy person. It's kind of embarrassing.
Anyway, back to the point of my post. I recently read an article about emotional maturity. Obviously something I lack. In this article, it specifically talked about emotional maturity when it comes to reaching your best in racing. Something I'm striving to do. After reading this article and some long discussions with my husband (thank goodness for him and his patience) I've been able to realize that I've been letting the wrong things define me, which led to self doubt, which then led to poor performances in every aspect in life. Crummy wife, mother, friend and also in the things that I enjoy and am passionate about.
It's been an amazing 2 weeks in realizing what really defines me. First I realized that my children's behavior doesn't define me. Although my kids may be high energy, they are still great kids. (There have been things happen over the years, especially with my oldest daughter, that have made me feel like I'm a horrible mother.) They are children. They are young children and are no different from other children their age. I've also come to understand the true meaning behind not letting the scale define me. I'm one who obsesses over my weight. I was once overweight and incredibly ashamed about my appearance, can you blame me? Well, lately I've been stuck on a certain weight. Every time I weigh, I "feel fat" because the number is higher than I'd like it to be, BUT I am seeing some major results off the scale. I'm stronger, happier, and healthier than I have been in a while. Since starting back in marathon training last week, I've been not letting that number define me. I am stronger than that number. What I have been doing, since I stared running really, means much more than what the scale says. This week is easier to ignore that number than last week. I did have moments when I got discouraged because I don't weigh what I think I should but then I go out and run, pushing 80lbs of kid weight in the double stroller, and realize that I really am stronger than that number. I have realized that I've let the scale rule my life. Forget what I was doing in training, I didn't weigh what I thought I should and so everything I was doing, meant nothing. I should have tossed the scale in the trash. Well my friends, that is exactly what I'm doing. I'm already seeing progress in my running, I'm already seeing results in some photos I've taken, and that all means much more than what the number on the scale says.
Anyway, kind of got long winded but I just wanted to write out my thoughts about what I've realized lately.
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