Letting Go So I Can Move On

To say I've been on an amazing journey these last almost 3 years is an understatement. I have accomplished way more than I initially set out for. Flash back to 3 years ago, I was 50lbs heavier, bitter, angry, lonely, depressed...basically drowning. I was in a life that was complete 180 to what I was used to. Being a mom is difficult.

I don't even know where to start. I keep writing and deleting everything and starting over. There's so much I want to say, but feel maybe it's best to keep to myself. I will say this, I'm am extemely proud of the person I am becoming. I have struggled my whole journey as a mother with who I was. I was a horrible mother and hated every minute of every day of who I had become. It's hard living your life like that. I'm not being over dramatic about it either. I always had this vision of the type of mom I wanted to be and quite frankly, it was a realistic dream. And then my teenage years hit. Boy, were those the HARDEST years of my life. I felt so incredibly alone and no one to talk to. I went through a lot, most teens do, and doing it alone was tough. It was then that my heart turned to prayer. I prayed a lot. There is no denying that I made it through some of the hardest years because of my loving Father in Heaven. I see it even more as I look back on those years. And then I got married. And became a mom. And up until this week, I hated it. Being a mom was nothing like I thought it would be. But I now know it was because of certain things from my past that I needed to let go of. A lot of anger. A lot of bitterness. It was a month ago that I realized how much I was letting my past rule my life. I hated looking into the mirror because I hate seeing that person looking back at me. That was NOT me. I never once stopped praying but there were some trials I now realized I had to bare to really grow and understand things differently. But again, I can see my Heavenly Father creating a pathway for me to reach my goals as a mom and to become the mom I always wanted to be. Little by little it's all falling into place. I am overwhlemed with gratitude for the blessings and answers to prayers I've received wtih in the last 2 months. My eyes were opened and my heart was softened. If you've ever had that happen, you know how incredibly amazing it is.

I started running almost 3 years ago as a way to escape my problems. It worked. It worked really well. Until I got obsessed with a goal. To qualify for Boston. In the end, it really was my training partner's goal and I was just going along with it. I could never actually go run the marathon, financially, and honestly really didn't care to. So now, as I sit here and write this I can't help but shake my head. I took something I honestly loved and created into something I hate and dread doing. So why continue? Because I'm NOT a quitter. Once I set my mind on something, I don't stop fighting until I reach my goal. Well, my friends, I'm bowing out now. With the major life altering events I've had in the last 2 months, I can honestly say that I do not care what so ever about qualifying for Boston. I have come to find my true mission in life and that is my family. My children. It's honestly been amazing to see my heart turn from hard as a rock to kind and loving. I still love running and exercising but now it's for a different reason. A much better reason.  I'm completely excited for where I'm headed and can't wait to see what my future brings. With each new day, I am closer and closer to the woman I want to be and that is the most important thing. I no longer have hate against myself, I'm learning to forgive myself and start fresh.

I have so much on my mind. Where I want to go, what I want to do. I do know that exercising is my passion but because I've turned it into a dreaded chore, I'm taking a break and changing it up. I'm excited in this new chapter in my life. I've gone above and beyond what I wanted to do with running and I truly feel that I want to pursue something else now. 

I haven't gone for a run in a week, but I have been walking. I've already walked 20 miles this week and slowly I am getting that urge to run again. I am picking up dancing again and also practicing yoga everyday, I've always hated yoga but I really want to love it. Life isn't just about running marathons and I know I got sucked into a trap. It's not hard to when all your friends are runners. I'm ok with being different and not running marathon after marathon after marathon. It not only makes me exhausted but what the training does for my body, physically, I'm ready to pursue other dreams of mine.

I have my next marathon in 7 weeks. I am considering this as my "farewell" race. I don't plan to run a race again. I run for me and to be free. Running in races, for my competitive spirit, drains me. (And drains my bank account) 

I'm grateful or everything I've learned in the last 3 years and so excited for this next chapter in my life. There's so much to look forward to!! Lots of exciting things to come!

Before And Now

When I first started on my weight loss journey I took some before photos. I love to look back on these photos and see how far I've come. Every so often I like to more photos to see my progress. I then compare side by side with the old photos. It's fun to see!

I took some photos about 3 weeks ago but it takes me a while to actually post the pictures. After hitting my goal weight back in 2012, I started marathon training. I stopped weight training and started eating more carbs to fuel for the running. I am one who actually gains weight in marathon training. It's quite depressing but it is what it is. After doing a lot of research and learning, I've stopped eating a ton of carbs, still some carbs, but not nearly as much as I was! I've been back and forth about wanting to drop another 10lbs. I've obsessed over the scale and that's only made things more stressful. With our big move, I haven't weighed myself once in at least a month. I'm really trying to break the habit of weighing in daily. I like to gauge my progress or fitness by what I do and feel rather than what the scale says. I'm not quite where I want to be, I have some tightening and toning I want to do. But I'm once again back on track with eating and exercise. I'm motivated to finally hit my new goals and maintain.

Fitness feels like a vicious cycle. It's a "if you don't use it you lose it" type of thing. So because I would only run crazy mileage and never do any weight training, my body has lost some muscle. I've been doing a lot more weight training this year and already seeing a lot of progress but I know I can do better. I just want to feel good in my own skin and to be able to comfortable in clothes. I know I have some mental obstacles to get over because I still think of myself when I weighed 175lbs and not 125lbs.

I think I'm in a place, like literally my house, where I actually have space that I can get up early to do more while my kids are sleeping and when it's not so stinken hot. 

Anyway, kind of got long winded, I do that a lot! Here is a fun comparison photo comparing my very first photo I took before losing any weight and then about a 3 weeks ago.

Figuring Out What Motivates Me

Well, I'm finally back to training now that we are all settled into our new home. Let me just say, this move has been amazing!! I'll be doing an update about the move on my family blog soon!

I took a week off during the move and last week managed a weak 23 miles, but I did run my longest run since my marathon 5 months ago! If you've followed me you'll know how much I've been struggling to run. I ended up taking a 3 month break from running. I turned to cycling and really enjoyed it. I built myself up to my first century (100 miles) but as the weather started getting warmer, it was hard to get out for the time that I had been, so I started running again. It's been a struggle to find my groove again but I think it's finally happened. I've started running my long runs on the trails and completely loving it! I ran 15 miles yesterday in some brutal weather, but it made me feel so strong. 90 degress with 60% humidity is no joke! I drank almost 70oz of water, used 2 GU's, and ate 1 waffle bar. I felt really good despite the weather. 

I have been really nervous about getting my mileage back up since taking a long break. I was really scared of injury and doing too much. It's taken me longer than I thought it would to rebuild, but I've been cautious. It feels SO good to be running something over the half marathon distance again! 

I realized something this weekend to help me get out the door on my long runs. I've struggled with my longs runs because it's the weekend and I usually stay up rather late watching TV or a movie with my husband. Running my long runs on little sleep is hard! During the summer, I'm up at 4:00am to run and don't get to bed til after midnight. But as I was talking myself into getting up in a few hours for Sunday's run I had a thought, the night before a marathon how many hours of sleep do I get? On a good night, maybe 3 hours and on a not good night, maybe 30 minutes. So why am I stressing over getting enough sleep before a long run if I hardly sleep before a marathon? I told myself "it's good training" to not get 8 hours of sleep before a long run because I wouldn't do that before a race. I'm a type of person who uses "practice how you play" in my training, so running with little sleep is a perfect way to train!  

Something else I'm realizing that maybe training for a marathon or really to train to qualify for Boston, just isn't exciting me anymore. As much as I really want to qualify, there's way more to it than training for months and months and then showing up on race day and executing your plan perfectly. I feel that in all honesty, the stars have to align and race day has to be perfect. Well, how often in training are runs perfect? For me it's a rare thing. I know a lot of my burn out this past 1.5 years has been from training incredibly hard but then showing up on race day ready to hit the qualifying time but things end up differently. Like starting my period around mile 20 in a marathon that I was right on pace until noticing I had started. Or when the weather is 30 degrees warmer than the usual temperature on race day. There are things that happen that you can't train for. And that gets discouraging. Very discouraging. 5 of my 7 marathons have been huge letdowns and not because of me showing up unprepared but because of other uncontrollable things. While I still love the race environment, I see myself slowing fading out of racing. I'll probably do the same 2 marathons a year just because I love them that much, but I have bigger plans for myself. 

As I was running my 15 miler yesterday, I had this thought that I had in mile 8 of my FIRST half marathon. I had always wanted to run a full marathon but for some reason, even as I was training for my first half, I kept telling myself that there was no way I'd run a full. A half was good enough. But as I was saying, around mile 8 of my first half marathon I had the thought of, "I totally could finish this half and then turn right around and run BACK to where I started." I didn't but even after finishing the half marathon, I still felt that way. Running a marathon wasn't as scary as I thought. I have now run 8 marathons. When I finished my 15 mile run yesterday I had the thought of "I could totally go and run another 15 mile loop" and that got me excited! I have plans to run a 50k in Decemeber but why wait? Why not build up to it now!? So that's my goal this summer. I haven't made a training plan so I may or may not hit 50k before my marathon but I am still going to train, and taper when it's time, in these weeks leading up to the marathon. I am really excited about this. I feel like I'm actually training for something hard again. Don't get me wrong but after so many marathons, it gets boring! Just trying to get motivated to run again! 

Training For Life, Not A Race

I love running. Running saved my life 2.5 years ago. It helped me escape from a horrible, dark depression. 

With running, I lost close to 50lbs and was the happiest I'd been in years. 

But after running my first marathon, I started to struggle. I so badly wanted to get a Boston qualifying time, but always came up short. My training started slacking, I just couldn't get out the door consistently anymore. I dreaded training. I would keep consistent and do really amazing workouts for about a month and then fall off and do nothing for a month. It was a vicious cycle. I always felt burntout, I had made running a "must do" and a "chore" but who likes chores?? 

So why did I still run? Well, after a very amazing 2 weeks of running my long, weekend runs on the trails, I realized something. I ran out of fear. Fear that if I didn't continue running, I'd gain weight back and be in a horrible depression again. Running was what helped me lose weight, so if I stopped, the weight would come back on. Here's something to know about me, before this weight loss journey and before having kids, I'd always been in fantastic shape. I never had to lose weight, so this is all new to me. I thought about this specifically on this past weekend's 13.5 mile trail run, I climbed over 2,000ft worth of hills. Most my runs are around 200-300ft elevation, so 2,000ft was a killer workout. I had the realization though, I didn't just have to run to stay fit. During the climbing sections of this 13.5 mile run, I obviously walked. My legs still burning, still getting stronger. For me, I had to run a certain average pace to feel like I was getting in a good workout. Challenging myself on these hills and tough terrain was extremely hard. It felt great. Seeing that my average pace was 13 minute miles really didn't bother me. I had just climbed some gnarly hills and no 8 minute mile run would make me feel as good as climbing those hills did. So, I made the decision to switch up training.

I realized that in my past trainings, I tried training like someone else who had recently qualified...well that training didn't work for me. This happened several times. I'd start out training how I thought I should, but always took to other's advice on how I should train. One thing I dislike about social media, Facebook in general, is any time you do something "different" in training, people start voicing their opinions, usually in a negative way, and then doubt starts to enter in. At least this is what's happened to me. 

With what I realized recently I've FINALLY decided to just train the way I want. Train according to my passions and my thinking. So far, these last 2 or so weeks have been amazing!! I've already seen a lot of progress but more importantly, I'm not dealing with exhaustion and burn out. Something that I have dealt with for the past 2 years!

I've created yet another training plan, but it's not so much for qualifying in my October marathon. It's more training to be fit and healthy, physically and emotionally, in my daily life. No more looking ahead a few months and stressing over races.

Whether or not I qualify in October won't matter. I'm focused on reaching other goals, that in the end could possibly still make qualifying a possibility. I'm just going about it a different way, and different is better, at least for me!

My friend who I've been throwing my training ideas at sent me this quote the other day. It's so fitting for how I'm feeling right now! 

Ready To Move

I'm having a really hard time staying motivated to do ANYTHING right now. My big move is 2.5 weeks away and I'm struggling. It's as if knowing the end of this chapter is near and it just can't come fast enough. It's making things really stressful. All I want to do is sleep away the hours. I don't want to create activities for my girls' entertainment, or go grocery shopping, clean, eat, get dressed, shower, exercise...I just want to be out of this trailer. This past week I've tried so hard to stay busy. It helped make the days go faster, but now I'm burnt out. I really just want to move and be done living in this place. This is such a big move for me. I've waited for this move for 2.5 years. This move will solve a lot of problems and it just can't come fast enough. Every morning I wake up and cry because I'm still living my worst nightmare. Depression is seeping in. I catch myself laying around, doing nothing. I can't seem to get myself up in the morning to exercise. And then I start beating myself because of it. It's a vicious cycle.

I try to tell myself to enjoy the last few weeks in the trailer because it's almost over. It's hard though. It's been so hot outside to do anything except swim. And my girls have been constantly fighting, evermore than usual. They need this move just as much as I do. They bug the heck out of each other because there is no space and this momma isn't providing them entertainment. I find myself sitting online more and more trying to pass the time. Pinterest has been so fun to search on. I have so many things I am excited to do in the new house.....but waiting is hard.

I need to create a plan to focus on each day. To "win the day" every day. But how?

I'm more overwhelmed now than I was before knowing we were finally moving. I know I'll look back to these last few days and think I was silly for feeling this way.

I think I'm going to post later about the real and raw experiences that I've had while living in a trailer. But for now, I better get up to clean.

Letting Out Emotions

For years I've been afraid. Afraid of being me. I have kept so much of my emotional turmoil inside that I haven't been able to have friends. I was scared to. I didn't want people thinking I am crazy. Not kidding.

Today, I had an emotional break through. I let my real raw emotions out. I might have scared a few people, I shared things I have never shared before. But while at church today, I felt the need to speak. Some people might not have understood, but for the amount of people who came and spoke to me after the meetings to say "thank you" has made me feel amazing. It's something I've needed.

I move in 4 weeks. Almost 5 of the 7 years that I've been married, have been with my family living in a motor home or a 5th wheel trailer. I have put up a huge wall and tried so hard to be strong for my girls. I don't want them knowing that I struggle every. single. day. with everything. But it's been hard. I cannot even begin to say how hard it's been. Pretending that I'm ok living in here so I don't have to show how messed up I am inside is the hardest thing I've ever done.

I know who I am. I know what kind of person I can be. But it's hard being that person when I feel so a mess inside. I don't want friends because I don't like crying all the time about how hard my life is. I feel like I'm ungrateful. I should do the best with what I have, is something I've reamed inside my brain. I am blessed. I have more than most. But you know, I realized today just how strong I am.

I am claustrophobic. I can't play in those McDonald's play places with the enclosed tunnels. I couldn't even when I was a kid. I can't go down enclosed slides at the water park. I literally start panicking and hyperventilating. I wish I could see what my heart rate was when in these situations. Probably very close to my max.

So with that being said, I think it's time that I congratulate myself. I have lasted 4.5 years in a high stress, confined space. It has been ugly, but I can honestly say I tried my best. What else can you ask for? I can say with confidence that I have EARNED my new house. (One shouldn't have to earn something like that, but I am not in control here.)

Speaking of that, being a stay at home mom is not as amazing as some might think, or maybe it's just my situation. I love staying home with my children, but it has been extremely hard. I can't control or do what I want in most situations. I would have moved out of the trailer 3 months after moving in, I left my husband at that time and wanted a divorce. That was only living in a trailer for THREE MONTHS! It's now been 54 MONTHS. Not a lot has changed either. The only thing difference is my perspective, which I know is why I have been able to last this long. "Come what may and love it" and "do the best with what you've got" are two quotes I say to myself all day, everyday. Things will get better, this too shall pass....I have day in and day out lived a life of trials and hardships. Every. Single. Day.

I think it's about time that I stop beating myself up about the trials or hardships being MY FAULT, it's been said that they are, and realize that my situation doesn't help any.

Another thing I realized today is that I have let other things and other people tell me who I was. I let the criticism and jealousy of other's take me down. This has been a long 15 year battle of hearing things about yourself that aren't true or letting things define you, that shouldn't,and believing it. Something turned on today inside me and I know none of these things about me are any where near the truth.

I don't do things to seek attention or to prove I'm better, I do things to inspire others or brighten someone else's day.

I haven't been able to be the mom that I always wanted to be, but this past week, I've been able to be closer to my idea of what kind of mom I want to be. And things couldn't be better with my children. It's still difficult, but it's no where near where it was.

I think knowing that in just 4 short weeks I will be moving out of my trailer has brought me an indescribable amount of joy. And with sharing my emotions today has opened my eyes to see how truly strong I am. I am not one who has confidence in myself. (Read about why here.) But after gone through what I have these last almost 5 years, I can now see just how strong I am. I take pride in that today.

It's a love/hate relationship with these past several years and even though I have shared all about how hard it's been, I know I wouldn't have learned what I have had we not been in a normal living situation. You realize how much you take for granted when you no longer have luxuries. I mean the simple things of having a dishwasher, a full size washer and dryer, a full size fridge, counter space, space in general, privacy(!!!), being able to send your kids to their room when they are misbehaving, a yard that is not connected to your neighbor's yard...the list goes on.

I am grateful for all that I've learned but I'm so ready to be done with this chapter of my life and move on to bigger and better things.

What Can I Learn From This

I don't always love to run. It hurts, it's hard, it knocks your confidence in a blink of an eye, but if you can take a step back and ask yourself, "what can I learn from this?" you might just learn something about yourself or about running that will only make you into a better person/runner.

This week was an assessment week in my training. My friend, Omar, who I am working with in training had me run a 1.5, 3, and 6 mile time trials. Basically you run these distances as fast as you can. For the 1.5 mile and 3 mile run, I set a new PR. 1.5 was 10:55 (7:16 average pace), 3 miles was 22:57 (7:39 average pace) But this morning, well, this morning was rough. It hurt, it was extremely hard, it knocked my confidence, and left me feeling very discouraged. So as I sit outside, waiting for my family to wake up, I ask myself, "what can I learn from this?"

Right now, my answer is simply, "I am not there yet so I need to get back out there and train for it."

I emailed my friend, Omar, and told him of my discouraging run. He said back to me, "I'm glad you are hard on yourself because that's what separates a champion from a contender."

That hit me. I've always been taught that being hard on yourself isn't a good thing, but I suppose it can be. If you channel those emotions as fuel to the fire. Don't let a hard run defeat you. Or better yet, don't let a hard run DEFINE you. I posted on my instagram, "a hard run doesn't define you, what you do about does." If I quit after every hard run I've had, I would be no where near where I am today. I have more hard runs than not. "Running is not easy. If it were, EVERYONE would be doing it."

So, I say to all of us who have had a hard run, "buck up buttercup, pull your big girl/boy panties up, and GET BACK OUT THERE!"