50k Story

50k story:

After being lost for an hour trying to find the race, I tried to keep my cool and relax. I didn't feel to flustered by the fact that my one hour drive to the race had turned into two hours. I finally arrived to the race and had about 30 minutes till the start. I relaxed a bit, prayed a lot, and watched the other runners. I was feeling so good. Confident. It was finally time to line up and start and like always, I headed to the back of the pack. I hate getting caught in the rush of the start. Everyone starts out way to fast and I get caught at that pace. It usually always kills me at the end. So I settled in the back. The gun went off and we started out. The first 5 miles were amazing. Absolutely beautiful. The trails were great, much less rocky than what I've trained on, but a really good warm up. Around mile 5 we crossed a huge wash. Up ahead I saw the climb out and took it. At this point i couldnt see anyone behind me or in front of me. As I continued on this trail something didn't feel right. I kept looking at the ground and it looked as if it was in the process of "regrowth" meaning no one had run this trail for a while. As I kept running and kept looking for the trail markers, stomach cramps hit hard, menstraul cramps. I wanted to lay down and die from the pain. Panic started setting in because i hadn't seen a marker for a half mile. In started crying and turned around. I prayed that I could find my way out and see where to go. As I made it back to the big wash, I saw this couple turning a different way and then I realized I had in fact taken the wrong path. I tried to shake that off but it really messed with me. Although it could have been much worse, it still shook me up. My stomach was still killing me and so were my legs. I couldn't relax and I couldn't think straight. It sucked. I was only 7 miles in and feeling this way? Crap. I'm in trouble. I met a lovely new friend, Marsha, around this point and i stayed with her. We talked a lot and it was a great distraction! We made it to the aid station at mile 12/13 and got a little something to eat and I had a small cup of coke. That tasted so good! The caffeine was a great pick me up. Marsha and I headed back out and at this point it hurt worse to walk than to run. I ended up running without Marsha for a few miles when I just had to sit down. My legs were cramping so bad. SO BAD! I called my husband and told him I was done. That this was the stupidest thing ever and I'm quitting at the next aid station...that was still 8 miles away. After talking to him, I sat down and took my shoes off. What a difference that made!! I soon realized that I had tied my shoes waaaay too tight. As I was tying them back up, Marsha came around the corner and I ran with her for a while again. She was doing a run/walk system but the walking killed me so I just kept my extremely slow jog and just kept moving forward. I can't remember what mile it was but I got lost shortly after this point. Somewhere around 18 miles. I went into full on panic mode. Hyperventilating, crying, praying...it was scary. I finally found a marker and at that point I had had enough. Enough of the panic and worry about getting lost, enough of my girl problems, enough of running. I finally reached the next aid station and had told myself it was ok to quit. And I was perfectly fine with that decision. This hurt I was in was totally not worth it. As soon as I got to the station, I sat down and bawled. Full on sobbing. I was so far gone. The volunteers were awesome and kept trying to talk me out of quitting but nothing could be said to me to change my mind. They said some pretty funny things, I've forgotten exactly what they said because I was so completely out of it but one guy said, "sweetheart, this is completely normal. Everyone goes through this. You will totally regret quitting. You can do it." I bawled and at that point my wonderful friend Marsha came in. I knew i could finish if I just stayed with her. So that's exactly what I did. We talked all the way in. About lots of things and it was amazing. We walked the inclines and ran everything else. I stared at the back of her shoes the whole way in. I don't even know what the trails looked like. I had to completely escape what I was doing. We had some pretty gnarly hills to climb at the end and honestly they felt so good to hike up! I had been training on some steep climbs and loved hiking up and sprinting down. These trails were nothing like that and I know it really made it hard mentally for me. These trails were looooong, slow inclines but didn't feel like inclines. So your legs hurt because of the incline but your mind doesn't understand why your legs hurt because it was "flat." So hard!! So these hills at the end were greatly needed for me. As we came up the top of the mountain, I looked down and saw the finish line! Totally cried. I never thought Id finish. I had been out running for nearly 8.5 hours!!! That's a long flippen time! As we got closer I saw my wonderful husband and wonderful friends Becca and Dave and their son Ethan. They were holding up signs and cheering for us. It was amazing!! We finally crossed that finish and I could hardly stand up. I was exhausted. Having had some time to think about it there were a few mistakes I could have avoided but being this was my first, I'll just say it was a good first ultra given my circumstances. No more running races during the week of my period, that's one thing I can control haha and I need to figure out my nutrition better. That is my biggest weakness. And my mental game. Huge weakness. This race was a very HUMBLING experience. I'm so proud that I finished and didn't quit. I honestly can't believe I was able to convince myself to get up at mile 23! This is by far the hardest thing I've ever done and so glad it's over with! 

The Start To My Book

I'm pretty sure that the last three years of my life could be made into a book. Not sure how it would do selling, but a book most definitely can be written. There is so much on my mind today. And most of it I want to write down. 

I still can't wrap my head around what happened this weekend. There's two parts why. One reason being, I was out running for 9 hours straight. 9 hours!!! I think that's more impressive than saying I ran 32 miles. There was so much hurt and so much pain, that I have blocked out what a huge accomplishment it was. Now, don't misunderstand. I would compare my experience to child birth. It's amazing and beautiful but you quickly want to forget about it because of how hard it was. (If you've never experienced a hard child birth, think of the hardest thing you've ever done and multiply that by 100 ;) I had to mentally block out the last 15 miles of the run. I had to 110% forget about what I was doing, otherwise I would have sat and waited for three hours for a ride back to the finish. I was so far gone mentally. I have never been so out of it before. I look back and shake my head. What a wuss to give up like that and for a while be ok with the fact of giving up. That's not me. I do not give up. (It's really hard to explain so don't misunderstand. I'm extremely proud of finishing and not giving up, there's just this empty space that I can't explain very well.)

Which then brings me to my next reason as to why I can't fully wrap my head around what I did this weekend. Boston. I hate to say it and I hate to think about it. But out running for 9 hours I had some time to think. As I ran I thought "this is not what I like." For ME (ME!!) I do not like running slow and being in so much pain that it hurts to run or even to walk! I'm all about speed. Get it done fast! My genes are speed! (At least for sprints and other short distances) but it's in my blood. And so I realized this weekend that no matter what I accomplish, I will never be satisfied until I reach my goal of qualifying for Boston. I honestly can say that I hate this but I have come to accept it for what it is. Like I said, I'm not a quitter. Once I set a goal, I will not stop trying until I reach it. 

I have written out my goals and making a plan. I now understand myself (yes it took running 32+ miles to figure me out) but it's been a very humbling few days. It's been very eye opening and now I understand and know where I want my journey to go. 

*this is so hard for me to share because of so many opinions I know I'll get. I know what I did this weekend and in these last three years are amazing and that most people only dream of doing what I'm doing (or think I'm completely out of my mind) I am very proud of myself and see how hard what I've done is but either way, this is ME. No one else. Me!! This is my wiring and how my brain works. Trust me, I have tried and tried and tried to do something to make me happy and satisfied but it doesn't work. My mind ALWAYS...ALWAYS goes back to Boston. I thought I was over marathons and so I signed up for something different. After doing the 50k, I realized that this is not the direction I want to go, right now at least. 

I have a lot of work to do before my next marathon but I finally feel like I have a better understand as to WHAT exactly I should be doing. I feel this race this weekend has pushed me 1,000 steps closer to my ultimate goal and I feel so ready for it, mentally, emotionally, physically. I will not stop until I reach BOSTON!!!!

I Run This Body

This post isn't easy to write but I want to get it out. For the past six months I have really ate my emotions. I, some times don't understand my emotions and that creates a vicious cycle, which leads to more extremely poor eating. 

I've had poor eating habits since I could remember. I was very active as a teen and didn't gain any weight. My weight issues started when I hit my 20's. Because of my poor eating habits, the weight finally caught up to me. 

Well these past 6 months or so have been really hard emotionally and I've hit rock bottom, in all aspects of life. 

I battle depression on top of all this. Some days I wonder if I'm bipolar because of my actions. It's really hard to talk about but I always feel better writing about it. I'm really embarrassed and full of shame because of my actions, which makes my depression even worse. 

I started running 3 years ago to have a way to fight my depression and in the beginning it worked wonderfully. I soon let the negative comments and negative people around me kill my joy. I was told I was "too skinny" along with many other hurtful comments so I put back on some weight. Any weight on my small frame body was very noticeable, to me, and ever since then I have hated my body and discredited myself for all my accomplishments. Well, in these last few months, I've gained even more weight. I keep trying to start eating better to lose the weight but excuses overrule me. I have so much on my plate that I've realized I'm putting my health on the back burner. 

I always love the time around my birthday. It allows me to reflect on my life and see where I can do better. Three years ago I made it a goal to run one marathon and to also lose all my extra weight. After achieving both those things, I lost focus. I lost my "why." But I'm there at rock bottom again and ready to get my diet back under control. 

I still get so many compliments on my appearance and honestly it kills me. I can see myself past the clothes I put on and know what's there. Clothes can cover up a lot. I'm disgusted with myself. It's hard to write this because I'm "slim" and "there are people worse off than me." Well I for one am tired of thinking that way. I am the one who lives in my body and if I'm not comfortable in it, why does any other opinion matter. I'm tired of feeling like I do and ready to do what I have to to get MY healthy comfortable body back. But this time I'm not listening to anyone and their opinions. 

Quick Update

This week was a long one for me. My husband worked long hours which left me home without mch of a break. I still ran Tuesday-Thursday and did my morning yoga. Some times it's hard to go slow and rebuild but I took time off so it's a must right now. I definitely felt better than the week before. I love having a scary goal to work towards. Glad I'm over marathons really. 

Speaking of marathons, yesterday was the St George Marathon. It was my first marathon I ever ran. I was signed up to run it but backed out due to burn out. I prepared myself and was waiting for the guilt and negative self talk to play in but honestly I felt great. I have new and more exciting things to look forward to and that helped me stay positive this weekend. 

I had a great run yesterday. I wanted 12 miles but ran out of water so I stopped at 11.5. I thought I had only climbed 800-900ft but ended up with 1550!! I felt so strong and like I was flying!! It was the best feeling ever! I love my weekend trail runs!

This week is my birthday week. The week I decided to change my life three short years ago. I have accomplished so much in these three years and so proud of myself. I have gotten down on myself a lot because I haven't qualified for Boston yet, but I'm slowly letting myself be ok with that. I am in a good place right now and so grateful for that. 

Well kind of short on words tonight. I'll post a longer one next week in celebration for my birthday! 

New Hope, New Motivation

With the cooler mornings we finally are having, I'm getting more and more excited about life in general. Summer months are depressing for me. No desire to do anything really. Which then causes me to not eat well or exercise well. I always gain some weight and feel crappy about myself, but I'm realizing this year that it's the weather and not something inside me that's whacked out, well, it could be that too ;) 

In 10 days I celebrate not only my birthday, but also my anniversary since starting to exercise and take control of my health. It's exciting to look back on the last 3 years and see all that I have accomplished. It's been an amazing journey to say the least. 

With my birthday coming up and some hard trials I've faced lately I've decided that I do better when I have some sort of competition on the horizon to train for. So, with that being said, I have picked out my next endeavor but wish to keep it a secret until it's completed. I've realized that for me, when I talk about a goal, it lessons the value of it to me. I'm super excited for this journey and actually will be adding a few new things to my training plan. 

One of those things is yoga. I took my first real yoga class this past Friday and what a humbling experience it was. I cannot stop thinking about it. I am the least flexible and balanced person out there and being in this class was completely out of my comfort zone. It was humiliating and embarrassing but I loved it because of that. I'm realizing that I love a good challenge, wait, I already said that, huh? If I try something and I fail miserably at it, I then focus all my attention to that and push myself to become better. I like this about me. (I wish somehow I could use this determination and figure out how to apply it to my home with my chores....yikes!) I think this is why I got burnt out of running marathons. Especially after my marathon last October. It was my best race and I felt completely satisfied with myself, so why run anymore? I'm enjoying the break from marathon training, that's for sure! Anyways, yoga. Yoga is hard and it hurts like crazy (again because I have ZERO flexibility) but I'm very excited about my journey with it and to watch myself improve and become more at peace with my life (something I really love about the yoga lifestyle.) 

I plan to update this blog weekly so if you'd like to follow my journey feel free to follow the blog. I don't want to post on Facebook every single time I update here but I will be keeping this up to date. I want to be able to look back and see where I stared and feel myself go through the journey again (I do that with my old blog a lot. I read old posts from when I first started running, it's very humbling.)

Anyway, that's all for now. I'm very excited about this new chapter in my life and can't wait to see where I go! :)

Letting Go So I Can Move On

To say I've been on an amazing journey these last almost 3 years is an understatement. I have accomplished way more than I initially set out for. Flash back to 3 years ago, I was 50lbs heavier, bitter, angry, lonely, depressed...basically drowning. I was in a life that was complete 180 to what I was used to. Being a mom is difficult.

I don't even know where to start. I keep writing and deleting everything and starting over. There's so much I want to say, but feel maybe it's best to keep to myself. I will say this, I'm am extemely proud of the person I am becoming. I have struggled my whole journey as a mother with who I was. I was a horrible mother and hated every minute of every day of who I had become. It's hard living your life like that. I'm not being over dramatic about it either. I always had this vision of the type of mom I wanted to be and quite frankly, it was a realistic dream. And then my teenage years hit. Boy, were those the HARDEST years of my life. I felt so incredibly alone and no one to talk to. I went through a lot, most teens do, and doing it alone was tough. It was then that my heart turned to prayer. I prayed a lot. There is no denying that I made it through some of the hardest years because of my loving Father in Heaven. I see it even more as I look back on those years. And then I got married. And became a mom. And up until this week, I hated it. Being a mom was nothing like I thought it would be. But I now know it was because of certain things from my past that I needed to let go of. A lot of anger. A lot of bitterness. It was a month ago that I realized how much I was letting my past rule my life. I hated looking into the mirror because I hate seeing that person looking back at me. That was NOT me. I never once stopped praying but there were some trials I now realized I had to bare to really grow and understand things differently. But again, I can see my Heavenly Father creating a pathway for me to reach my goals as a mom and to become the mom I always wanted to be. Little by little it's all falling into place. I am overwhlemed with gratitude for the blessings and answers to prayers I've received wtih in the last 2 months. My eyes were opened and my heart was softened. If you've ever had that happen, you know how incredibly amazing it is.

I started running almost 3 years ago as a way to escape my problems. It worked. It worked really well. Until I got obsessed with a goal. To qualify for Boston. In the end, it really was my training partner's goal and I was just going along with it. I could never actually go run the marathon, financially, and honestly really didn't care to. So now, as I sit here and write this I can't help but shake my head. I took something I honestly loved and created into something I hate and dread doing. So why continue? Because I'm NOT a quitter. Once I set my mind on something, I don't stop fighting until I reach my goal. Well, my friends, I'm bowing out now. With the major life altering events I've had in the last 2 months, I can honestly say that I do not care what so ever about qualifying for Boston. I have come to find my true mission in life and that is my family. My children. It's honestly been amazing to see my heart turn from hard as a rock to kind and loving. I still love running and exercising but now it's for a different reason. A much better reason.  I'm completely excited for where I'm headed and can't wait to see what my future brings. With each new day, I am closer and closer to the woman I want to be and that is the most important thing. I no longer have hate against myself, I'm learning to forgive myself and start fresh.

I have so much on my mind. Where I want to go, what I want to do. I do know that exercising is my passion but because I've turned it into a dreaded chore, I'm taking a break and changing it up. I'm excited in this new chapter in my life. I've gone above and beyond what I wanted to do with running and I truly feel that I want to pursue something else now. 

I haven't gone for a run in a week, but I have been walking. I've already walked 20 miles this week and slowly I am getting that urge to run again. I am picking up dancing again and also practicing yoga everyday, I've always hated yoga but I really want to love it. Life isn't just about running marathons and I know I got sucked into a trap. It's not hard to when all your friends are runners. I'm ok with being different and not running marathon after marathon after marathon. It not only makes me exhausted but what the training does for my body, physically, I'm ready to pursue other dreams of mine.

I have my next marathon in 7 weeks. I am considering this as my "farewell" race. I don't plan to run a race again. I run for me and to be free. Running in races, for my competitive spirit, drains me. (And drains my bank account) 

I'm grateful or everything I've learned in the last 3 years and so excited for this next chapter in my life. There's so much to look forward to!! Lots of exciting things to come!

Before And Now

When I first started on my weight loss journey I took some before photos. I love to look back on these photos and see how far I've come. Every so often I like to more photos to see my progress. I then compare side by side with the old photos. It's fun to see!

I took some photos about 3 weeks ago but it takes me a while to actually post the pictures. After hitting my goal weight back in 2012, I started marathon training. I stopped weight training and started eating more carbs to fuel for the running. I am one who actually gains weight in marathon training. It's quite depressing but it is what it is. After doing a lot of research and learning, I've stopped eating a ton of carbs, still some carbs, but not nearly as much as I was! I've been back and forth about wanting to drop another 10lbs. I've obsessed over the scale and that's only made things more stressful. With our big move, I haven't weighed myself once in at least a month. I'm really trying to break the habit of weighing in daily. I like to gauge my progress or fitness by what I do and feel rather than what the scale says. I'm not quite where I want to be, I have some tightening and toning I want to do. But I'm once again back on track with eating and exercise. I'm motivated to finally hit my new goals and maintain.

Fitness feels like a vicious cycle. It's a "if you don't use it you lose it" type of thing. So because I would only run crazy mileage and never do any weight training, my body has lost some muscle. I've been doing a lot more weight training this year and already seeing a lot of progress but I know I can do better. I just want to feel good in my own skin and to be able to comfortable in clothes. I know I have some mental obstacles to get over because I still think of myself when I weighed 175lbs and not 125lbs.

I think I'm in a place, like literally my house, where I actually have space that I can get up early to do more while my kids are sleeping and when it's not so stinken hot. 

Anyway, kind of got long winded, I do that a lot! Here is a fun comparison photo comparing my very first photo I took before losing any weight and then about a 3 weeks ago.

Figuring Out What Motivates Me

Well, I'm finally back to training now that we are all settled into our new home. Let me just say, this move has been amazing!! I'll be doing an update about the move on my family blog soon!

I took a week off during the move and last week managed a weak 23 miles, but I did run my longest run since my marathon 5 months ago! If you've followed me you'll know how much I've been struggling to run. I ended up taking a 3 month break from running. I turned to cycling and really enjoyed it. I built myself up to my first century (100 miles) but as the weather started getting warmer, it was hard to get out for the time that I had been, so I started running again. It's been a struggle to find my groove again but I think it's finally happened. I've started running my long runs on the trails and completely loving it! I ran 15 miles yesterday in some brutal weather, but it made me feel so strong. 90 degress with 60% humidity is no joke! I drank almost 70oz of water, used 2 GU's, and ate 1 waffle bar. I felt really good despite the weather. 

I have been really nervous about getting my mileage back up since taking a long break. I was really scared of injury and doing too much. It's taken me longer than I thought it would to rebuild, but I've been cautious. It feels SO good to be running something over the half marathon distance again! 

I realized something this weekend to help me get out the door on my long runs. I've struggled with my longs runs because it's the weekend and I usually stay up rather late watching TV or a movie with my husband. Running my long runs on little sleep is hard! During the summer, I'm up at 4:00am to run and don't get to bed til after midnight. But as I was talking myself into getting up in a few hours for Sunday's run I had a thought, the night before a marathon how many hours of sleep do I get? On a good night, maybe 3 hours and on a not good night, maybe 30 minutes. So why am I stressing over getting enough sleep before a long run if I hardly sleep before a marathon? I told myself "it's good training" to not get 8 hours of sleep before a long run because I wouldn't do that before a race. I'm a type of person who uses "practice how you play" in my training, so running with little sleep is a perfect way to train!  

Something else I'm realizing that maybe training for a marathon or really to train to qualify for Boston, just isn't exciting me anymore. As much as I really want to qualify, there's way more to it than training for months and months and then showing up on race day and executing your plan perfectly. I feel that in all honesty, the stars have to align and race day has to be perfect. Well, how often in training are runs perfect? For me it's a rare thing. I know a lot of my burn out this past 1.5 years has been from training incredibly hard but then showing up on race day ready to hit the qualifying time but things end up differently. Like starting my period around mile 20 in a marathon that I was right on pace until noticing I had started. Or when the weather is 30 degrees warmer than the usual temperature on race day. There are things that happen that you can't train for. And that gets discouraging. Very discouraging. 5 of my 7 marathons have been huge letdowns and not because of me showing up unprepared but because of other uncontrollable things. While I still love the race environment, I see myself slowing fading out of racing. I'll probably do the same 2 marathons a year just because I love them that much, but I have bigger plans for myself. 

As I was running my 15 miler yesterday, I had this thought that I had in mile 8 of my FIRST half marathon. I had always wanted to run a full marathon but for some reason, even as I was training for my first half, I kept telling myself that there was no way I'd run a full. A half was good enough. But as I was saying, around mile 8 of my first half marathon I had the thought of, "I totally could finish this half and then turn right around and run BACK to where I started." I didn't but even after finishing the half marathon, I still felt that way. Running a marathon wasn't as scary as I thought. I have now run 8 marathons. When I finished my 15 mile run yesterday I had the thought of "I could totally go and run another 15 mile loop" and that got me excited! I have plans to run a 50k in Decemeber but why wait? Why not build up to it now!? So that's my goal this summer. I haven't made a training plan so I may or may not hit 50k before my marathon but I am still going to train, and taper when it's time, in these weeks leading up to the marathon. I am really excited about this. I feel like I'm actually training for something hard again. Don't get me wrong but after so many marathons, it gets boring! Just trying to get motivated to run again! 

Training For Life, Not A Race

I love running. Running saved my life 2.5 years ago. It helped me escape from a horrible, dark depression. 

With running, I lost close to 50lbs and was the happiest I'd been in years. 

But after running my first marathon, I started to struggle. I so badly wanted to get a Boston qualifying time, but always came up short. My training started slacking, I just couldn't get out the door consistently anymore. I dreaded training. I would keep consistent and do really amazing workouts for about a month and then fall off and do nothing for a month. It was a vicious cycle. I always felt burntout, I had made running a "must do" and a "chore" but who likes chores?? 

So why did I still run? Well, after a very amazing 2 weeks of running my long, weekend runs on the trails, I realized something. I ran out of fear. Fear that if I didn't continue running, I'd gain weight back and be in a horrible depression again. Running was what helped me lose weight, so if I stopped, the weight would come back on. Here's something to know about me, before this weight loss journey and before having kids, I'd always been in fantastic shape. I never had to lose weight, so this is all new to me. I thought about this specifically on this past weekend's 13.5 mile trail run, I climbed over 2,000ft worth of hills. Most my runs are around 200-300ft elevation, so 2,000ft was a killer workout. I had the realization though, I didn't just have to run to stay fit. During the climbing sections of this 13.5 mile run, I obviously walked. My legs still burning, still getting stronger. For me, I had to run a certain average pace to feel like I was getting in a good workout. Challenging myself on these hills and tough terrain was extremely hard. It felt great. Seeing that my average pace was 13 minute miles really didn't bother me. I had just climbed some gnarly hills and no 8 minute mile run would make me feel as good as climbing those hills did. So, I made the decision to switch up training.

I realized that in my past trainings, I tried training like someone else who had recently qualified...well that training didn't work for me. This happened several times. I'd start out training how I thought I should, but always took to other's advice on how I should train. One thing I dislike about social media, Facebook in general, is any time you do something "different" in training, people start voicing their opinions, usually in a negative way, and then doubt starts to enter in. At least this is what's happened to me. 

With what I realized recently I've FINALLY decided to just train the way I want. Train according to my passions and my thinking. So far, these last 2 or so weeks have been amazing!! I've already seen a lot of progress but more importantly, I'm not dealing with exhaustion and burn out. Something that I have dealt with for the past 2 years!

I've created yet another training plan, but it's not so much for qualifying in my October marathon. It's more training to be fit and healthy, physically and emotionally, in my daily life. No more looking ahead a few months and stressing over races.

Whether or not I qualify in October won't matter. I'm focused on reaching other goals, that in the end could possibly still make qualifying a possibility. I'm just going about it a different way, and different is better, at least for me!

My friend who I've been throwing my training ideas at sent me this quote the other day. It's so fitting for how I'm feeling right now! 

Ready To Move

I'm having a really hard time staying motivated to do ANYTHING right now. My big move is 2.5 weeks away and I'm struggling. It's as if knowing the end of this chapter is near and it just can't come fast enough. It's making things really stressful. All I want to do is sleep away the hours. I don't want to create activities for my girls' entertainment, or go grocery shopping, clean, eat, get dressed, shower, exercise...I just want to be out of this trailer. This past week I've tried so hard to stay busy. It helped make the days go faster, but now I'm burnt out. I really just want to move and be done living in this place. This is such a big move for me. I've waited for this move for 2.5 years. This move will solve a lot of problems and it just can't come fast enough. Every morning I wake up and cry because I'm still living my worst nightmare. Depression is seeping in. I catch myself laying around, doing nothing. I can't seem to get myself up in the morning to exercise. And then I start beating myself because of it. It's a vicious cycle.

I try to tell myself to enjoy the last few weeks in the trailer because it's almost over. It's hard though. It's been so hot outside to do anything except swim. And my girls have been constantly fighting, evermore than usual. They need this move just as much as I do. They bug the heck out of each other because there is no space and this momma isn't providing them entertainment. I find myself sitting online more and more trying to pass the time. Pinterest has been so fun to search on. I have so many things I am excited to do in the new house.....but waiting is hard.

I need to create a plan to focus on each day. To "win the day" every day. But how?

I'm more overwhelmed now than I was before knowing we were finally moving. I know I'll look back to these last few days and think I was silly for feeling this way.

I think I'm going to post later about the real and raw experiences that I've had while living in a trailer. But for now, I better get up to clean.

Letting Out Emotions

For years I've been afraid. Afraid of being me. I have kept so much of my emotional turmoil inside that I haven't been able to have friends. I was scared to. I didn't want people thinking I am crazy. Not kidding.

Today, I had an emotional break through. I let my real raw emotions out. I might have scared a few people, I shared things I have never shared before. But while at church today, I felt the need to speak. Some people might not have understood, but for the amount of people who came and spoke to me after the meetings to say "thank you" has made me feel amazing. It's something I've needed.

I move in 4 weeks. Almost 5 of the 7 years that I've been married, have been with my family living in a motor home or a 5th wheel trailer. I have put up a huge wall and tried so hard to be strong for my girls. I don't want them knowing that I struggle every. single. day. with everything. But it's been hard. I cannot even begin to say how hard it's been. Pretending that I'm ok living in here so I don't have to show how messed up I am inside is the hardest thing I've ever done.

I know who I am. I know what kind of person I can be. But it's hard being that person when I feel so a mess inside. I don't want friends because I don't like crying all the time about how hard my life is. I feel like I'm ungrateful. I should do the best with what I have, is something I've reamed inside my brain. I am blessed. I have more than most. But you know, I realized today just how strong I am.

I am claustrophobic. I can't play in those McDonald's play places with the enclosed tunnels. I couldn't even when I was a kid. I can't go down enclosed slides at the water park. I literally start panicking and hyperventilating. I wish I could see what my heart rate was when in these situations. Probably very close to my max.

So with that being said, I think it's time that I congratulate myself. I have lasted 4.5 years in a high stress, confined space. It has been ugly, but I can honestly say I tried my best. What else can you ask for? I can say with confidence that I have EARNED my new house. (One shouldn't have to earn something like that, but I am not in control here.)

Speaking of that, being a stay at home mom is not as amazing as some might think, or maybe it's just my situation. I love staying home with my children, but it has been extremely hard. I can't control or do what I want in most situations. I would have moved out of the trailer 3 months after moving in, I left my husband at that time and wanted a divorce. That was only living in a trailer for THREE MONTHS! It's now been 54 MONTHS. Not a lot has changed either. The only thing difference is my perspective, which I know is why I have been able to last this long. "Come what may and love it" and "do the best with what you've got" are two quotes I say to myself all day, everyday. Things will get better, this too shall pass....I have day in and day out lived a life of trials and hardships. Every. Single. Day.

I think it's about time that I stop beating myself up about the trials or hardships being MY FAULT, it's been said that they are, and realize that my situation doesn't help any.

Another thing I realized today is that I have let other things and other people tell me who I was. I let the criticism and jealousy of other's take me down. This has been a long 15 year battle of hearing things about yourself that aren't true or letting things define you, that shouldn't,and believing it. Something turned on today inside me and I know none of these things about me are any where near the truth.

I don't do things to seek attention or to prove I'm better, I do things to inspire others or brighten someone else's day.

I haven't been able to be the mom that I always wanted to be, but this past week, I've been able to be closer to my idea of what kind of mom I want to be. And things couldn't be better with my children. It's still difficult, but it's no where near where it was.

I think knowing that in just 4 short weeks I will be moving out of my trailer has brought me an indescribable amount of joy. And with sharing my emotions today has opened my eyes to see how truly strong I am. I am not one who has confidence in myself. (Read about why here.) But after gone through what I have these last almost 5 years, I can now see just how strong I am. I take pride in that today.

It's a love/hate relationship with these past several years and even though I have shared all about how hard it's been, I know I wouldn't have learned what I have had we not been in a normal living situation. You realize how much you take for granted when you no longer have luxuries. I mean the simple things of having a dishwasher, a full size washer and dryer, a full size fridge, counter space, space in general, privacy(!!!), being able to send your kids to their room when they are misbehaving, a yard that is not connected to your neighbor's yard...the list goes on.

I am grateful for all that I've learned but I'm so ready to be done with this chapter of my life and move on to bigger and better things.

What Can I Learn From This

I don't always love to run. It hurts, it's hard, it knocks your confidence in a blink of an eye, but if you can take a step back and ask yourself, "what can I learn from this?" you might just learn something about yourself or about running that will only make you into a better person/runner.

This week was an assessment week in my training. My friend, Omar, who I am working with in training had me run a 1.5, 3, and 6 mile time trials. Basically you run these distances as fast as you can. For the 1.5 mile and 3 mile run, I set a new PR. 1.5 was 10:55 (7:16 average pace), 3 miles was 22:57 (7:39 average pace) But this morning, well, this morning was rough. It hurt, it was extremely hard, it knocked my confidence, and left me feeling very discouraged. So as I sit outside, waiting for my family to wake up, I ask myself, "what can I learn from this?"

Right now, my answer is simply, "I am not there yet so I need to get back out there and train for it."

I emailed my friend, Omar, and told him of my discouraging run. He said back to me, "I'm glad you are hard on yourself because that's what separates a champion from a contender."

That hit me. I've always been taught that being hard on yourself isn't a good thing, but I suppose it can be. If you channel those emotions as fuel to the fire. Don't let a hard run defeat you. Or better yet, don't let a hard run DEFINE you. I posted on my instagram, "a hard run doesn't define you, what you do about does." If I quit after every hard run I've had, I would be no where near where I am today. I have more hard runs than not. "Running is not easy. If it were, EVERYONE would be doing it."

So, I say to all of us who have had a hard run, "buck up buttercup, pull your big girl/boy panties up, and GET BACK OUT THERE!"

Limiting Ourselves And Possibly Others

I think I'm becoming a blogging addict. I really an enjoying writing, I may not be the greatest writer, but it all comes from the heart.

I saw this picture posted tonight and It hit me hard. "The only limits in life are the one's you make." Doesn't that have such power to it? Maybe it hits me hard because of what I'm learning right now. It's all mental. This morning I proved to myself that I can do things I typically don't think I can. I don't consider myself a fast runner. Back in high school I was. My fastest mile was a 5:45 mile. There's no way I'll ever get that fast again...but that's the limit I am putting on myself. This morning I ran a mile and a half at a 7:16 average pace, with no training, no speed work, no nothing. Just flat out mental toughness. That short run helped me knock down some demons I've created about running fast and physically bit being able to. Speed runs in my family. (No pun intended haha) but I always tell myself that I cannot be fast again. I've realize, with the help of my good friend Omar, that in fact I am cable of much, much more than I think.

And that's the problem. It all goes back to mental toughness. On this morning's run, I actually ended up turning my watch settings to only show distance so I had no idea what pace I was running until I finished. I ran according to how I felt instead of what I thought I could do. Had I had my pace showing on my watch, I know I would've run around an 8:30 pace. And that would have only been because that's what I THOUGHT I could do. I really surprised myself. It was a great confidence boost for me.

Another thing I wanted to get off my chest is not only do we limit ourselves, but we also let others limit us, at least I have done so. I know with sharing my workouts on Facebook back a year ago, I had a lot of people saying stuff like, "you're doing too much" "you're going to get injured" "be careful" "if you keep training like that, you'll end up burnt out before race day." And so on...you get the picture. And for a new runner who was very insecure with what she was doing to begin with, hearing this phrases often really got to my head. I tried to play it off, but I let fear sink in and it ruined me mentally. I'm only sharing this because it was so detrimental to me. I may be weak for letting it affect me, but I'm positive I'm not the only one. I have finally realized how strong of a person I am and I am different from most. I don't do things just to say I do them. I do things to prove to myself that I can always do better. I am extremely passionate about running. Ask me about my first ever 5k and I will literally cry as I replay the story out. It's not weakness, it's passion. Ask me about my first marathon, I will do the same. Even though those tears are not of joy but of pain. Ask me about my marathon when at mile 20, I started my period and it was not pretty. But then after relaying the story of what happened to "friends" on facebook, I was told to suck it up and be glad I finished. Which I was completely satisfied with finishing, I was just completely embarrassed about what happened out on the course. Anyway....didn't mean to get into all that. What I'm saying is, BE KIND. Don't judge someone else's training. Just because it's NOT WHAT YOU DO, doesn't make it wrong or too much or they are going to get injured...all anyone needs is encouragement. Going back to that young lady who finished 100 miles this weekend but had lost her crew due to her crew's mother passing away suddenly. This poor gal was so incredibly sad. I'm sure it would have helped if someone saw her pain and offered comfort. I just realized it too late and I feel horrible about it. Which is why I've set a goal to be more open and to see those who need a friend. My most favorite quote is this, "our days are happier when we give people a bit of our heart, instead of a piece of our mind." Such beauty in that quote. The world needs more kindness and I truly believe that that kindness starts with us. We can make a difference by offering a smile, a hug, a listening ear...something other than negativity. Strong people lift others up, not put them down. In the words of Ellen Degeneres, "BE KIND TO EVERYONE."

Mental Toughness

I have so much on my mind today. So many life changing events happened this weekend. I am a very real person. I tell it how it is. I don't sugar coat things or say things to make me look better than I really am. Point blank. So for those of you who have followed me know how much I struggle day to day with person trials. Not even running related.

I wish I could share more details but I know that by sharing too much, some will take offense. So I will share what I can. (Buy no way am I trying to be offensive, some people just can't see past their end of their noses.)

Some times, there comes a point in your life when you see who you are. You see that you have become the exact person you swore you never would become. It's a very hard pill to swallow. In a previous post I talked about letting things define you and more specifically things that shouldn't define you but that you end up letting define you. 

Ever since my oldest daughter turned about a year old, she was extremely active. Very busy. And this drove some people crazy. They would get after her about things and become stressed with her. This is still going on today, and she's almost 6. This made me feel that my daughter was a rotten child. That she is poorly behaved. And it hurt me thinking this way. I became very controlling and quite frankly embarrassed about my child. I let this define me. I was a horrible mother. My child was a wild child with no respect for others. What I didn't realize was my child is actually quite similar to every other 5 year old out there. Granted with some differences, but she's not a bad child like I felt she was. I realized that some people can't handle my active child. She is too much for them to handle, so they get frustrated and stressed. This has nothing to do with me, my parenting, or really the behavior of my child. It is a reflection on THEM. It's been amazing since I've realized this. I can let these people stress if they choose to, but it doesn't affect me or my child. It's their own choice to feel this way. With me realizing this I have relaxed A LOT and my daughter has been an absolute joy. When I was controlling her, her behavior was only getting worse. GO FIGURE. She is an amazing child and I can now see that.

Another thing that's been on my mind lately is mental toughness. Everything in life goes back to this. I learned a huge lesson about this this weekend. Watching the people out running and walking at the ultra marathon taught me so much about mental toughness. Whether is was the gal who placed 2nd place and was non stop running the whole time, or the gals who struggled with stomach cramps and other physical discomfort that made them have to take a break to try to shake the pain but still got back out there and kept pushing. Or even my friend Michael, who clearly struggled during the dark hours of the night but kicked butt as soon as the sun rose. I believe he said the last 15 miles were some of his fastest miles of the 100 miles!! These examples are true inspiration TO ME. Seeing the struggle, the pain, the wanting to quit, but them NEVER giving up. I cannot say how much that inspired me. I seriously get choked up and goosebumps just thinking about it. These are some amazing, amazing people and they taught me a huge lesson.
I struggle horribly with my mental toughness. It is the reason why I can't get a BQ. So, on this mornings run, I had a time trail run. I have 3 time trail runs this week. These runs will determine next month's pacing for my training runs. Going into today's run, I wasn't expecting anything special. I haven't been running much at all, let alone doing any kind of speed work. Well, I really, really surprised myself. I did 1.5 miles in 10 minutes and 55 seconds an average pace of 7:16 a mile. Holy cow! It felt amazing! Granted I was extremely close to puking, but man, that mental toughness can do A LOT for you!! These next few months are going to be absolutely amazing!!! I feel I'll be getting real close to my BQ this fall.

First Ultra Marathon Experience Part 2

These are MY OWN thoughts/opinions after experiencing a 1 mile loop flat course. Things do change when it comes to ultras with elevation gains and not having an aid station every mile with food and water.

When they say ultra marathons are all mental....they really mean that. I learned about a few of the runner's training leading up to race day. Most didn't run anything over 6 miles. Seriously. They were either injured and had to rely on cross training or where so busy with life that they weren't able to run much, so they too put in a lot of cross training. The 2 others I've spoken to ran quite a bit more. One gal ran some 60 mile training weeks and the other ran several 100 mile training weeks. They all hit goals but they finished at different times. (Which really doesn't matter) what I'm saying is, training is only a small part to ultra marathons. It really is all mental. In all reality, I could have done a lot more than the 29 miles I did, but again, I have other things that are more important to me right now.

Thinking about the 24 hour time. To get 100 miles in 24 miles, you have to do 4 miles an hour. The hardest part is from sun set to sun rise in the middle of the night. Exhaustion sets in and mental toughness needs to take over, otherwise things get really hard. Granted with getting the 100 miles in, a lot of things need to go perfect. If your nutrition or water intake isn't spot on, things can head south real fast. (Again, this is all things I learned while pacing and watching. I'm no way an expert, especially since I have never done anything more than a marathon.)

Running ultra marathons are easier than running marathons. This is also something I have heard a lot. I have a couple different thoughts about this. The people running the ultras are much more willing to talk and help push others to continue than those at marathons. From what I have experienced anyways. Marathon runners are focused on a finish time and less likely to stop to help someone else. Yes, there are some who will stop, but most marathon runners train to hit certain times. Another thing on this topic on why ultras are easier, most ultra runners aren't running THE WHOLE TIME like marathon runners running marathons. (Again going back to hitting certain times in marathons as opposed to just finishing an ultra.) I've experienced on my own that running a 5 hour marathon, while it still hurts during, definitely has a much shorter, easier recovery time than trying to run a 3.5-4 hour marathon. I ran a 5 hour marathon during my Crazy Pyramid Challenge last summer...in 7 consecutive days I ran a 5k, 10k, half marathon, full marathon, half marathon, 10k, and 5k. While it still was very hard running a marathon, I still was able to run a half marathon the next day, with no soreness. Slower paced runs/walks are much easier to recover from, which is why ultra marathons are "easier". Not all ultra marathoners walk walk/run the distance. During Nanny Goat I saw several people running THE. WHOLE. TIME.

Which brings me to a story I'd like to share. There was this one gal, holy cow, she blew me away. I was lapped SEVERAL times by her as I walked with friends. So I saw her often. She was a machine. Go, go, go for 24 hours. She ended up finishing 100 miles around 22 hours and took 2nd place for overall female. To me, that is inspirational! Everyone out doing the 12 or 24 hour event was inspiring, but this was different. I don't want to ruffle any feathers at all, but walking is so different than running. Although walking still hurts, running is a lot more impact which is harder on the body. Seeing this gal run lap after lap, never stopping, was truly amazing!! She was what I thought an ultra runner was. It was really inspiring to watch her. Please understand that I believe everyone out there, walking or running, is an ultra marathoner. In my own tiny head, I had created my own visions of what ultra marathon runners looked like. I was really surprised at how much walking there was for most the people out there. I just had put people who do ultras on a much higher level than me, "just a marathon runner." But I realized that me trying to get a 3 1/2 marathon finish was just as hard and just as amazing as the folks out doing their thing in an ultra. I would never run or walk 100 miles and I'm sure most those people would say they wouldn't go try to run a 3.5 marathon. With that being said, I was completely amazed by the people out walking the 100 miles. It just goes to show that anyone can do an ultra marathon. I had told myself there's no way I'd ever do anything over a marathon but I've signed up for a 24 hour race at the end of December. I'm not sure how it's going to go, but in the 20 hours I was at this event this weekend I did almost 30 miles. I'm hoping to run 50-60 miles in 12 hours. The event only has 24+ hour events so I'm signing up for the 24 hour and really RUNNING for the first 12 hours. I then want to hang around to encourage and motivate the other people going the other 12 hours, that was the best part of this past weekend. I loved cheering and encouraging everyone who was finishing. That was amazing. I really believe everyone should go and watch some kind of running event and just watch the finish line. Nothing is more inspirational! Seeing the pure determination and mental toughness is simply beyond words. I truly learned so much about life itself at this event. But I will leave that for yet another post! :)

First Ultra Marathon Experience

I didn't know what to expect when I got to the race. I had created an image of what I thought an ultra event would look like and once I got there, I realized my image I created was, mostly, wrong. There were young teenagers running. There were 70 year olds running. Short, tall, big, small....all walks of life. I am seriously inspired by everyone here. It just proves that no matter what size clothes you wear, what you weigh, YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS! You can do whatever you set your mind to.

I had the privilege of meeting 3 amazing women. The first one, Suzanne, was from Arizona. I did a few miles with her and learned a lot about her. I think that's my favorite part of the whole ultra marathon, hearing the life stories of the runners. Susanne had been dealing with stomach cramps since mile 3. When I first met her, she had just taken a shower and tried to relax a bit, hoping her stomach would settle with time. Unfortunately, that was not the case. Susanne really inspired me. She had such tough conditions during this race but she never gave up. Even after sleeping a bit during the night, she got back out there to keep logging miles. I'm not sure what her original goal was for the 24 hours, but it amazed me that even though she probably had to let that goal go, she kept pushing and doing her best. She ended up getting 45 miles in. I find it simply amazing that she never stopped trying and that is something I will forever remember! After doing a few laps with her I ran into my friends I came to meet and cheer on. I ended up doing a lap with them but then started talking to another lady named Jennifer. (Funny story, I TOTALLY thought her name was Shelley! THE WHOLE RACE! After realizing I had been calling her by the wrong name, I busted out laughing. I realized that the look she had given me EVERY time I was taking to her was a, "oh, you're talking to me?" face. I felt like a total dork) Anyway, this lady totally inspired me. We talked a lot about training for marathons and trying to qualify for Boston. She told me she used to train to run fast but she was now enjoying ultras. I can't remember, but I think this was her first ultra marathon. She ended up running her longest distance and finished with 62 miles!! Jennifer also had some trials. I think it was just a hard day for everyone. It was extremely hot during the day and one little thing you didn't do, escalated into huge problems. Nausea, cramps, dizzy spells...everything becomes a hundred times worse in an ultra marathon. No matter if it's 30 miles or more. I'm really impressed with these 2 ladies and their pure determination to not quit. I'm 100% sure I would have stopped completely. I learned a very valuable lesson here. Never stop trying!

After a few miles with Shelley, I mean Jennifer haha, I ran into the wife of one of my friends I came out to cheer on. This was her second ultra. She was struggle a bit with some gnarly blisters. I met Her around 30 miles and she only needed 10 more to reach her goal. I decided I would help her finish. I had a great time talking with her. She is such a fun lady. She too inspired me. She wasn't able to train very much for this race due to a crazy work schedule but also an injury she was just overcoming. Her longest training run was 2 hours I believe, and here she was going for 12 hours. Melissa never stopped. Even when her TWO quarter sized blisters on her heels popped! Talk about tough! It was such a blessing to meet her and hear her story and to finish with her. I knew that coming to this event, I would be inspired but I never would have imagined I would be this inspired! I get goosebumps just thinking about it! So awesome!

At this point I had already gone 20 miles. I was a little nervous because I hadn't been training much lately but as I found out from several of the ladies I met, you don't have to do an insane amount of miles to train. But with my St George training under way, I didn't want to do too many miles and not be able to do my regular training runs coming up this week.

I stopped after 20 miles and went to my tent to get some sleep. I wanted to have energy to help push my friends through the tough hours in the middle of the night. I knew I wanted to help in the middle of the night but didn't want to annoy anyone, it gets depressing I'm sure at those hours. So I just walked next to my friend Michael and hoped to put positive thoughts in his head was my only goal. It was so hard to see him struggling. He's such an upbeat person and to see him struggling was so hard.

I walked 5 miles with Michael and then I ended up going back to my tent. I took a quick cat nap to hopefully have energy to help cheer on everyone who would be finishing up running the 24 hours. I went out the finish line around 6am and was completely blown away. I have never seen such pure determination. For one, Michael had gone from a painful walk to BOOKING it now! I was so worried after I went back to my tent. He was going through a hard spot mentally. I have felt the same way, only I was at mile 22 of a marathon...not 77 of 100! The thoughts of "what in the world am I doing?! This was the dumbest idea ever!" Seeing Michael with a smile on his face and looking good, I knew he had no problems what so ever with finishing!

My husband and I sat at the finish line, cheering everyone on. I was able to capture a beautiful couple as he finished his first 100 mile race on video. He is 67 years old. His wife stayed up all night cheering on not only him but everyone else running. When he finished, and before crossing the finish line, he picked up his wife in his arms and then ran across the finish line with her. It was such a beautiful thing. To see such joy and love was simply amazing. As the 24 hour mark rolled around, the timing folks kept telling those who had just hit their 100 miles to keep going. They had 30 minutes left. Go out and do more. 9 times out of 10, the runners went BACK out to get a few more laps in. As if 100 miles wasn't enough, they ended up doing 101-105. One guy finished out with 115 miles! He came in a minute or so before the clock hit 24 hours and so the timing folks tried to get him to go one more. He was so funny, he stood in front of the finish line until the clock hit exactly 24hours and 00 seconds and then crossed it. He was awesome!

After a while, my husband and I began to recognize faces and knew how many miles they had left. It was so fun to cheer on these strangers, knowing they only had 5 or 4 or even 1 mile left. My husband thought I was crazy but every time someone crossed the finish line for their 100th mile, I got choked up and cried. It was simply amazing!!

There was another girl who I was able to capture her finish for her as well on video. It seemed as if everyone running and a crew or friends to help them but this young lady was all alone. I noticed it after a few miles and so when she hit 99 miles, I decided I'd record her finish. After her finish, I walked up to her to ask for her email and got hit with some devastating news. She had a friend there earlier helping her but her friend's mother unexpectedly past away early that morning, so her friend had to pack up and leave. As she told me this she was crying and told me she had been crying the whole time since she heard the news. I felt horrible. Here this young lady was, doing something completely inspirational and then things just got harder. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to give her a big hug but I had just met her so I apologized and told her how much of an inspiration she was to me. This taught me a huge lesson. I had thought about waking a lap with her, because she just looked completely sad. It was different than the way the other runners looked. But I let fear get in the way. I felt silly going and walking with her. But it just goes to show, you never know what people are going through. What battles they are fighting. Maybe that person you see needs a smile, hug, or anything. Every time she came in for another mile, I cheered for her and told her something positive. I only wish I had done more, especially finding out about what happened with her friend earlier that morning. 

My friends I came to cheer on only had 3 or 4 miles left and were looking so strong. My one friend Leigh Anne looked at if she needed a friend to talk to. So I decided to not let her go alone like I did the previous girl I had just talked to, and so I ran to catch up to her. She was doing great but I felt inspired to talk to her. I tried to picture myself in her shoes and I would have loved company to distract my mind. I walked a little over a mile with her and then saw my other friend Michael. He had tears in his eyes. And soon as I saw him, I just knew he was on his last lap and so close to finishing. I then decided to go ahead and see if he wanted a friend to help him finish. We got to be about .6 of a mile from the finish and he started sprinting!! I was so amazed! This man had just run 99.4 miles and he was running so fast that I struggled to keep up with him! Haha Simply amazing! What a true inspiration! As we finished, I started to cry and got the goosebumps. It was one of the top 3 best moments for me of the whole event!

After finishing with Michael, I ran back out to find Leigh Anne. She was finishing mile 99. She mentioned to me that she wanted her whole family to walk the last lap with her. And they did just that.

I was able to capture some photos and a video of her family out on the last mile and as they finished. It was so awesome.

Part two coming soon!!

Before and During

Some people look at me and think I have it easy. That I have good genetics and can get into shape fast. You know those types that can eat anything they want and not gain anything. Who can run a marathon at a 6:30 pace without even training. I'm jealous of those types. I just look at food and gain 5 pounds. I have to bust my butt day in and day out to see results or to hit my goals. So when people tell me that I am blessed because I can lose weight or get into shape fast, I just want to smack them.

After my last marathon in February, I stopped running. I hated running. I wanted nothing to do with it. Actually, those feelings started back in December. And since December, I ate my emotions. So many things played in

to my depression. It was an extremely hard time for me and until a few weeks ago I didn't realize how bad it was. If you've gone through depression, you know what I'm taking about. So anyway, with being depressed and eating my emotions, I put on weight. Go figure haha A month ago, my family was getting ready to go to the water park and I felt "fat" in my swim bottoms. I took a shot of my behind and sure enough, eww. (Jimmy Fallon anyone??)  It was gross. So I covered up and beat myself up about it. (Because that makes it all better, right?) Well, after all the craziness with dropping out of my bike race and getting into my favorite marathon, it was game on for me. This is the year that I will be consistent and get closer to my goal of qualifying for Boston.

The last 3 week's I have busting my butt, literally, every day. I have a ton of work do and there's no time to waste. I mentioned in my last post about not letting the scale define me. It's been really hard to step on the scale and see no change. Even when I felt thinner, nothing changed.

Remember that picture of my rear end I took a few weeks ago? Well I decided to take another picture to compare. Let me first just tell you that I am a firm believer of taking photos. They show progress that the scale doesn't. After feeling bad because the scale wasn't going down, I compared the photos side by side and I cannot tell you how excited I was. Sometimes it's hard to see progress when you're stuck on a number you want the scale to read, but I challenge anyone reading this to take a photo now and then in a month's time, take another. That's how I will track my progress from now on.

Ok...now the scary part. I'm posting a photo of my rear end in my swim suit. It's no where near perfect, when comparing to this bikini models, but it's progress for me. (Be nice, don't say anything negative about this post. I really am proud of myself and don't need a Debbie downer to criticize me.) (Can you tell I'm a little insecure about posting this? But I like to document for the future. I like looking back and seeing where I started.) (Oh and ignore my messy mirrors. I hate cleaning them haha)

What Defines You

Ever since graduating high school, almost 10 years ago, I've struggled with balance in my life. I've struggled with confidence. I've struggled with knowing who I was and who I want to be. I focused my energy on negativity instead of the positive. These past 2 weeks have been life changing for me. I absolutely love that I'm writing more, it really eases stress and helps me the release all that's on my mind, which is always running. (No pun intended haha) These past 2 weeks, I've really focused on the positive or finding the positive in situations, which is complete opposite of what I usually do. I'm typically the "worst case scenario" type of gal. I have come to a point when a few months ago, I literally started having panic attacks about things. About everything. It was scary to tell you the truth. I've never felt this way before. It was about 2 weeks before I started back in to marathon training when I realized what was going on.

With this more positive attitude about everything in life, it's been amazing to see the benefits in all areas of life. To say these last 10 years have been hard, is an understatement. I let small things define who I was. How fast I ran, how much I weighed, what size pants I wore, how my children behaved...the list goes on. I thought I was a failure when I wasn't as skinny as this person or that person. Or that I wasn't as fast. Or my kids where psycho every where we went. (This one was huge for me.) I really felt like everyone was judging every move I made and if I wasn't perfect, I was a failure. This is completely silly but because of what I was going through internally, it became a huge thing to me. This is where the panic attacks started. I began to stress so badly about everything. It's hard to explain, unless you've been through this. I literally felt like a crazy person. It's kind of embarrassing.

Anyway, back to the point of my post. I recently read an article about emotional maturity. Obviously something I lack. In this article, it specifically talked about emotional maturity when it comes to reaching your best in racing. Something I'm striving to do. After reading this article and some long discussions with my husband (thank goodness for him and his patience) I've been able to realize that I've been letting the wrong things define me, which led to self doubt, which then led to poor performances in every aspect in life. Crummy wife, mother, friend and also in the things that I enjoy and am passionate about.

It's been an amazing 2 weeks in realizing what really defines me. First I realized that my children's behavior doesn't define me. Although my kids may be high energy, they are still great kids. (There have been things happen over the years, especially with my oldest daughter, that have made me feel like I'm a horrible mother.) They are children. They are young children and are no different from other children their age. I've also come to understand the true meaning behind not letting the scale define me. I'm one who obsesses over my weight. I was once overweight and incredibly ashamed about my appearance, can you blame me? Well, lately I've been stuck on a certain weight. Every time I weigh, I "feel fat" because the number is higher than I'd like it to be, BUT I am seeing some major results off the scale. I'm stronger, happier, and healthier than I have been in a while. Since starting back in marathon training last week, I've been not letting that number define me. I am stronger than that number. What I have been doing, since I stared running really, means much more than what the scale says. This week is easier to ignore that number than last week. I did have moments when I got discouraged because I don't weigh what I think I should but then I go out and run, pushing 80lbs of kid weight in the double stroller, and realize that I really am stronger than that number. I have realized that I've let the scale rule my life. Forget what I was doing in training, I didn't weigh what I thought I should and so everything I was doing, meant nothing. I should have tossed the scale in the trash. Well my friends, that is exactly what I'm doing. I'm already seeing progress in my running, I'm already seeing results in some photos I've taken, and that all means much more than what the number on the scale says.

Anyway, kind of got long winded but I just wanted to write out my thoughts about what I've realized lately.

Love Seeing Progress

After taking nearly 3 months off from running consistently, jumping back into marathon training has been difficult. Especially because I'm pushing both my kids in the double stroller. Last week was great. I felt good, I was exhausted, but I still felt good to be back in marathon training mode. This morning I was dreading my run. I didn't want to push the stroller and I knew it was going to be hot. Well, I quickly remembered my goals and woke up the girls at 6:45am and was out the door running at 7:15am. The first mile sucked. But when doesn't it? I just kept telling myself to relax and even if the whole 4 miles hurt, at least I was out getting my miles in. First mile was 10:58. Much slower than my normal, but about where I was running last week with the stroller. I kept pushing and during mile 2 I started to feel really good. Mile 2 was 10:27. Alright, that felt good! I focused more on form and making sure I was relaxed. Mile 3 was 10:04. Whoohoo! I haven't seen a mile split that "fast" for a while. (A side note: I've set my watch to only show distance and time, I cannot see current pace...I love it. I run more off how I feel rather than trying to push it.) By mile 3 I was feeling fresh and my legs felt great. I didn't think I started pushing myself harder, but apparently I did. Mile 4 was 9:36! I wasn't even huffing and puffing! I was relaxed and focusing on proper form. I didn't feel like I was exhausted or running out of steam by the last mile. I actually felt like I had another couple miles in me. Felt awesome! Overall, I had an average pace of 10:15 for 4 miles. Pretty awesome considering my 4 mile run last week was a struggle and a 11:15 pace. Take away the paces though, I just felt a whole lot stronger today and I loved it! Very excited to see more progress over the next few months!

Week of May 12-18

Monday- boot camp....tonight killed me! Weighted squat frog jumps, cross under lunges...to name a few. Sore for 3 days following!

Tuesday- ran 3 miles with double stroller (33 minutes, 11 minute pace) followed by some weights and stretching.

Wednesday- 4 miles pushing stroller (45 minutes, 11:15 pace) felt really hard and still extremely sore from Monday's boot camp!

Thursday- 3 miles with stroller (36 minutes, 12 minute pace) wanted to do some weights after but I was exhausted so I rested.

Friday- rest day

Saturday -8 miles, 5 with Libby (1:25, 10:37 pace) slower than I would have liked but miles are miles right now. Taking the next few weeks to rebuild and then focus on speed more. Later I walked a 5k with some friends at a foam and glow run. Lots of fun!

Sunday- Rest day

Summer Goals

I have so much on my mind this morning,.so I though I'd take a minute and write a few things out.

The summer heat is coming and its coming fast. Soon, even at 4:30AM it will be 90degrees. As I sit here at 8AM in 80 degrees, I panic a bit. I just finished an 8 mile run and it was quite warm. But it's only going to get hotter, much hotter. As I sit and reflect on my goal, BQ in St George, I think about what comes with this. Determination, dedication, discipline. Those three words are something I learned in college while playing volleyball. I played volleyball for years and even though those three words were taught to me in my last year of competitive play, I was coached and taught to live by those my whole career. I'm a fighter. I am competitive. I do not give up. I attempted to qualify for Boston in my first marathon. That marathon still is a fresh open wound in my mind. The things that happened leading up to that race was not right. There were things that happened that I hope no one has to go through. But, I know with this pain and fear I'm holding on to, its a set back for me. I panic at every marathon because of the things that happened at my first. The other day I heard, "you can't run another marathon until you forget your last." Well, I've run 7 more, never forgetting my first. It's time to forget.

I have a few goals for this summer.

1. Don't let the heat mess with me mentally. Summer training is hard, but I want to do my best and give it my all. Last summer I gave up a lot on runs because it was too hot. I may not be able to hit marathon pace because of the heat, but giving up is not an option.

2. Be positive. About everything. I've realized that being negative in things outside of running affect my running. "Come what may and love it" is something I want to apply to my daily life.

3. Enjoy the process. In my thousands of miles I've ran, I have learned that things aren't always perfect. So, instead of stressing over not hitting a certain pace or feeling really crummy on a run, I want to still be happy and enjoy running. Running saved my life. It shouldn't stress me out, even if I have hard trainings. I want to enjoy every run.

4. Family comes first. I have learned that it is better for me to run in the morning so that it doesn't take me away from my family. They need me. This means pushing the kids in the double stroller. It sucks. Its hard. It's slows my pace way down, BUT my girls love to come running with me and its just better to get it done first thing. I did this for my first marathon training, I can do it again...even if I'm pushing 20-25lbs extra. It's good training.

5. Weight training and flexibility are key for me this training. I've already seen huge progress just with in the last 3 weeks. Its good training!

First week of training in the books. I'll finish out the week with 24 miles. 10 of which were pushing 80lbs of kid weight in the double stroller. Plus also did bootcamp class and some weight training at home. Feeling pretty good. Definitely tired, but it's all apart of rebuilding!

I'm in!!

Oh what a relief it is to finally know if I won the lottery or not! But I'm very pleased to say that I'm in! It has made the disappointment of backing out of the bike race a little easier.

I have so many ideas on how to train these next 5 months. I'm so glad that I finally listened to my body and took time off from running! I'm feeling so good. Especially mentally. I'm going in to training with a different mindset this go around. Instead of focusing on a finish time, even though I do have one, I am focusing on daily, weekly, and monthly progress. I'm not going to stress over race day, I am going to keep focused on each week and making sure to hit all my scheduled workouts and runs.

This training I'm keeping up with weight lifting. I've always felt I needed to become stronger. I've always stopped in past trainings. I'm also going to test out other ideas. In the past, I've always set paces for each run and that has only led to stress and burnout. While I do plan to do track workouts once a week and then a tempo run, the other days I plan to either be a recovery run or a trail run. I am planning to run my long runs on the trails. I feel this will only make me stronger. The roads around me are flat, which makes training for an aggressive downhill race very hard. Besides trails having hills, it also its a very special place for me. I grew up hiking with my dad and have very fond memories, and every time I am on the trails, it brings back that peace and joy.

Not only do I plan to run my long runs on the trails, I also plan to run longer than marathon distance in training. I have wanted to do this in past training but never did. (And of course I have picked the toughest training months to accomplish this!) I am excited about this goal. I think mentally it'll make me stronger and able to push harder come race day.

I'm really excited for training to begin. Today was day 1 and started it off with bootcamp! Tomorrow I plan to run 4 miles, followed by weight training. Time to kick it into high gear! I'm totally stoked about getting into this race again! This marathon was my very first marathon and this will be the 3rd time running it (9th total marathon) I've gone through a lot these past few years but I feel this is my time now. If I can stick to my training plan, I can accomplish what I set out to do!

Week of May 5-11

What a week. Finished out the week with 85 miles on the bike and 19 miles running.

Bad news this week. With our big move coming up, and several other reasons, I unfortunately have to drop out of my bike race I've been training for. It was a really hard decision, but after talking it over with my husband, it's the best choice for us right now. I do hope to do it next year, just still a bummer right now.

Training this week was great. I learned a lot about my body. Well, I should say re-learned some things I already knew about myself. I crave intensity in my workouts. I gain so much from hard workouts. My brick workout on Thursday was one of those workouts. 30 mile bike ride followed by 6 miles running. Not only did I set a PR for pace on the bike and distance on the run for a brick workout, but I had 2 hard days before this workout. Wednesday I did some hill repeats on my bike. Almost to puking point. It felt great. Tuesday, I finally pushed fear aside and ran 10 miles. I've been nervous about running long distance because of how much time I've taken off. It felt great! It was slower paced, but I truly enjoyed getting out again. After my marathon in February I decided to take time off. I needed a break and time away from running and to remember why I love it. Well, good news is, I've found my passion again and can't wait to start training. I found out tomorrow if I've won the lottery for the St George Marathon, my favorite race. I'm ready to work hard to get closer to my ultimate finish time. Even though this race is the toughest to train for....Arizona summers are ridiculous, I've done it twice before so it's time to whip it into high gear and leave everything on the table. No regrets!

Long Run

I finally sucked it up and ran my first double digit run in 2.5 months! 10 miles! It felt really good. My legs were tired until about mile 3 but then I felt fresh. It was awesome. Exactly what I needed!

One thing I am scared about is starting back up running. Funny, right? I don't know where to start really. And the last thing I want to do is get hurt. Sometimes I should just stop thinking about it and just do it. I fear too much. Maybe that will be my new goal this week. Fear less. Maybe that will help my anxiety issues I've been dealing with as well. (That's another story!)

Week of April 28-March 4

My goal for last week was to go with the flow and to workout whenever I thought I should. That led to runs in the middle of the hot afternoon, but I didn't care. I have been struggling to get out the door lately. I have demons in my head telling me to be careful not to do too much, I could get injured. (Talked about this in a previous post) but after realizing, I have never gotten injured because of doing too much, I did what I wanted this week and it felt amazing.

I finished the week of with 54 miles on the bike and 9 miles running. While it was a recovery or lighter week, due to the previous 3 weeks being hard, I'm still pleased with having mileage to report. Typically on a recovery week, I do nothing. And then that leads to more weeks of nothing. So it was good. Despite the fact that my running mileage bites, at least it's something. I had planned to run 10 miles on Sunday, but due to personal reasons, I chose not to run. (Long story)

These next 3 weeks are going to be hard. Not even considering the temp increase! I am now under 10 weeks away from STP and still very intimidated. Which is probably a good thing, just means I have a lot of work to do!

Monday I plan to run 10 miles with the kids and attend Bootcamp, Tuesday I will run 5 or 6 miles and do some weight lifting, Wednesday will be a rest day from running but hill work on my bike plus Bootcamp, Thursday will be a brick workout. I want 30 miles on the bike and 3 or 4 miles running, maybe 5 miles. Friday will be an off day, Saturday will be 80 miles on the bike and depending how I feel, Sunday, I will run 10 miles. I should be riding back to back days but I need running in my life again. It keeps me sane. Maybe I can do my brick workout on Friday instead of Thursday and just run Thursday. I have a few days to figure it out.

I'm enjoying writing this all out. It gets it out of my head, which makes room for other things to think about haha

Happy training everyone!

Baby Brick Workout

Today was another good day! I'm feeling fantastic!

It was a warm one but I headed out at 2pm for my workout. Thus week is a recovery week, so I've scaled back on mileage.

I pulled Mylee in the bike trailer for 10 miles. A very hilly and windy 10 miles! I wanted to do 20 miles, but it was windy and hot. (90 degrees!) After finishing up the 10 miles on the bike, I ran 3 miles pushing Mylee in the stroller. I was pretty tired but felt happy to be out. Tomorrow will definitely be a rest day!

2 Posts in 1 day?

It's true, I'm a thinker...I think way too much. But after writing my previous post today, I feel great. So, I wanted to write down some more things.

I scrolled back in my training log on dailymile and looked up the 60 mile week I had before my first marathon. (Back in August 2012) I read through each run and took note of the paces. Each run was a little faster than the previous. I busted out my 4th 10 miler in 4 consecutive days, while pushing the DOUBLE stroller each day, at a 9 minute average pace! And I said I was feeling amazing. I remember running those miles...but I don't remember my feelings while running those miles. (I also ran one of my best/fastest 20 milers that Saturday, having taken Friday off. Amazing!!)

This brings me to 2 main points.

One being, I should train with the double stroller again haha as much as I hate that thing, it, one, makes me really strong, and two, I actually keep consistent because I don't have to rely on anyone to watch my kids while I leave for a run. So...I need to step up my game! Here's to being a BAMR!

My second point is, I want to blog daily about my workouts. In full detail so I can remember what I did and how I felt. This will be hard for me. Knowing I am putting everything out there for people to judge, that's what got me in a bad place to begin with. But maybe it'll be a good thing. I need to learn to deal with people who don't approve of what I do.

One last thing I'm realizing, I'm a very intense person. I like to push myself hard. Hard enough to the point of puking. Obviously I'm smart and I do listen to my body, but I'm realizing with looking back on my previous 2.5 years of training...I can definitely push my body past what I think are my limits. I treat my body well. I eat right and I get a ton of sleep (I love sleep) so why would my body fight me? I'm ready to go back to how I used to train. No stress or worry about what people may think or say. Today's the day. I'm going out confident and not holding myself back anymore.

To tell you the truth, I'm ECSTATIC about this. I feel so good and full of fire!!

This week's training so far has been as follows:

Monday: Rest day (rode my first 100 miler on Sunday afternoon!)

Tuesday: 9pm workout 4 mile trainer ride. Did some single leg spinning and then pushed as hard as I could for a mile. According to my Garmin, I averaged 24mph. That's fast for me!

After I did some leg and ab work..I've been really hesitant with adding in weight lifting because of the fear of getting injured. But I need to not fear anymore. I'm smart. I lifted lighter but did lots of reps. Since I haven't lifted in a while, I only dud 3 exercises. Leg lifts, on my pull up bar machine, squats, and bridges (back on the seat and barbell with weights on my hips) I only did 2 rounds. Wanted more but this week is an easy week. (I've had 3 hard weeks, now it's recovery week.) I also did some pull up work. I've never been able to do one, so I'm starting small. I jumped all the way up, held for 3 seconds, then slowly lowered back down. Did that 5 times. Talk about weak upper body! Haha

Wednesday: (today) 2pm workout. I ran 4 miles with Mylee in the stroller. It was warm and windy. I did an out and back route so going out I had a tailwind, coming back was hard. But I felt the urge to run, so I did.
7:30pm Tanner and I went to boot camp. I love boot camp.

For tomorrow's workout, I am starting a challenge for May. The challenge is 5 days of running, totally 23 miles a week. I figured it's a good place to start because I haven't been running for 2 months. Very excited to get back to running. Its a special thing to me. I can't decide if I want to run with the stroller or do a brick workout. I'll probably go with the brick...those are my new favorite! Last Wednesday was my first brick. I rode my bike 30 miles and then immediately got changed and put the girl's in the double stroller and ran 3 miles. I was so incredibly sore on Thursday. I loved it!

Anyway, this turned out to be a lot longer than I intended. I'm just finally excited about being excited about running again. And I like writing my feelings down. I may be a big mess of emotions, but writing always makes me feel better.

Changing Things Up

Something changed in me about 2 years ago. I had been running for 6 months and those 6 months had been the best months of my life. I was completely happy. Which is opposite of what I had felt several years prior. Without going into too much detail, I had just hit my ultimate goal weight, one I'd never thought I'd see again. I felt amazing. I was running 30 miles a week, eating extremely well, and all around just very healthy. I made the dumb decision to post this goal weight I'd hit on Facebook. What I thought would be a celebration turned into a lecture from many friends about how I was way too skinny and unhealthy. Me, being insecure, I decided to listen and put back on almost 10lbs but I also gained back some of the depression I had fought So hard to beat. These last 2 years I have been at war with myself. I turned into the type of person who feels I need approval from someone before I do something, anything really!  Well, when I first decided to lose weight, I didn't need approval, I knew it needed to be done. And for the 6 months that followed, I just did what I felt like doing. No approval needed. But as soon as the backlash came out, I felt the only way I could do something is if at least 1 person approved. Totally lame of me, right? Well it comes with who I am.

(On a side note....something that has really bothered me since being told I was "too skinny" ....I find it odd that I was told that....but when I weighed 50lbs more....no one ever told me I was too heavy. Doesn't makes sense, does it? People are funny. Could it be jealousy? People say the number on the scale doesn't define them...and yet when someone posts their number, that's actually healthy for them, they get all crazy on that person. Funny, isn't it?)

This past Sunday, I rode 100 miles on my bike. 100 MILES! This was the first time in 2 years when I actually felt sincerely proud of myself. I have downplayed EVERYTHING I've done up to that point. Forget the 8 marathons I've finished, when I set out to only run ONE. The "Crazy Pyramid Challenge" (5k, 10k, half, full, half, 10k, 5k in 7 consecutive days) The hundreds of miles I've walked, hiked run, biked...the 50lbs I originally lost. None of that is good enough. Well, on this 100 mile bike ride, I had some time to think...ok like 7 hours worth. I thought about what changed inside me and pinpointed a few things. For the past 2 years, I've looked at myself in the mirror and cried. I hate my body. I loved it 2 years ago when I was at my goal weight. But because of everyone's disapproval, I gained 10lbs...now almost 20lbs. I hate it. I never want to go anywhere or do anything because of the way I feel. I feel fat and I'm so inconsistent with my training. Every. Single. Day. I fight myself with getting out for a run. I used to run 6 days a week, pushing the DOUBLE stroller 5 of those days. One week, the peak of my training for my first marathon, I ran 60 miles, 40 of those miles I pushed the double stroller. 10 miles a day, Monday-Thursday, rested Friday and then ran 20 miles at a 8:45 pace on Saturday....oh did I mention it was August!?! Summer in Arizona in August is nasty. 115 degrees as a high...but also its our monsoon season so we had 80% plus humidity. And you know what, I FELT AMAZING! I felt so good about myself. I have never ran that much in a week since then. Heck, I don't even run with the stroller anymore. I think a lot of my disappointment comes from thinking about that training. I was in the best shape of my life then. But because I was coming from such a scary and dark place, I looked to friends and family to help encourage me. But when I got ridiculed for being "too skinny" or "running too much" I put back on weight to please them.

I've never really talked about this...like ever to anyone really. I really didn't know this was such a factor in my every day life. But after having a lot of alone time to think during those 100 miles, I finally excepted it.

I made a goal this week, that whenever I thought "I want to go run right now" or, "I want to go do a workout" that instead of talking myself out of it in fear sunshine will say something negative, I would actually get up and just do it. Yesterday I did a ride on the trainer, because it was 9pm and then I thought "hey, I want to lift weights. Lifting makes me happy." So I did just that. Today I woke up and felt the urge to run. I pushed it aside this morning because the thought of people in my head saying "you're doing too much" "you're going to get injured." (HUGE pet peeve of mine!) I know my body and I felt amazing after last night's work out, so I strapped my little one in the stroller and ran 4 miles. It felt GREAT!!!

I've been married for 7 years now. It's really made me a different person. Marriage is NOT easy. Being a mother is NOT easy. I completely lost myself to all that until I started running in October 2011. It's time to find me again and to not let people hold me back or worry about their disapproval on anything I do. Before, any type of disapproval was fuel to my fire. Now, it's become an excuse to not do what I love. I have a deep passion for running. A passion so deep that there are not words to describe it. Running changed my life. No, running SAVED my life.